Selective Memory

Did you know there is an actual term called 'scanxiety'?  Basically, it is the uneasiness or anxiety associated with waiting for the results from scans after you have been treated for cancer.

A little over a week ago, when I was leaning over the side rails on my daughter's bed, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn't think much of it, but the following days the pain was still there, and when I tried to pinpoint exactly where, I felt it...a lump...on my 'good' side. I tried the 'wait and see' approach for a few days, but the nagging 'what if's' in my brain made me call my doctor and set up an appointment.

Scanxiety.

They quickly scheduled me in for the next day, which was the only appointment available for at least the following week. I went in, ever so early in the morning, and sure enough, she felt it too. Normally, my doctor wouldn't be too concerned about a lump like this, and if found in anyone else she'd just monitor it for a while, but considering my history, we decided to put in a request for diagnostic tests.

Scanxiety.

The hospital called me a few days later with the appointment day, time and instructions. Now I just had to wait to go. I think by this time I wasn't engulfed in fear....but I was rationally and logically planning out in my brain what would happen if what they found was something serious.

Scanxiety.

This morning I got up early and got ready before waking the kids, ate my breakfast, hugged my family, and drove out to the hospital. I checked into the diagnostic department, waited for them to call my name, partially undressed in the small stalls, put on a johnny shirt, and seated myself next to others in  another smaller waiting room. We smiled at each other, made small talk, stared at magazines...the notices on the walls...the floors...

My name was called, and I updated my medical history with this particular department. I then had a mammogram of my right side, and also my left armpit...where my sentinel node biopsy had been done during my mastectomy...and I went back to the room and waited.

...and all the while, scanxiety.

Not debilitating, not heart pounding...but present none-the-less. I looked at the faces of the other women waiting in the room - for some, you could tell they were just here for their routine yearly scan, and it was more of an inconvenient hiccup in their daily schedule. A few I could tell it was probably their first time there, mostly because they were young, and the anxiety was in their eyes as they stared  off into nothingness and avoided eye contact with others. Still, I wondered if there was anyone else there with scanxiety.

I hadn't really heard the term scanxiety until recently in one of my Facebook support groups, and when I looked it up online, I came across this:

"People often don't realize there is a difference between general anxiety and scanxiety: For those of us with scanxiety, it's not about what might happen, it's about what did happen. For us, it's not so much about worrying, but remembering."

Some have even associated it with PTSD.

Sometimes my anxieties and fears come to the forefront.  If I allow myself to dwell on it, my fears of the future could be debilitating and the 'what ifs' could paralyze me, making me unable to move forward because of what I have experienced in the past. I am so thankful that God loves me so much to walk with me during those times. That His grace covers me with His peace so I can sleep...and sleep well leading up to my appointments. That even though I may experience some fear, His presence neutralizes them, so they are no longer my focus. It's impossible to remember the past couple of years of my journey without seeing His hand in it...His faithfulness to me. So, while scanxiety may bring me momentary lapses of fear, remembering how He has walked beside me brings me joy and leads me to trust Him further...regardless of the results of the scans.

While I was reading online about scanxiety, I also ran across this quote:

"Our faith increases when we remember God's faithfulness in the past"
(deeper waters.us)

The end of my story? The next step for me was an ultrasound...and the radiologist couldn't find anything. Not that she couldn't find anything of concern...there was no lump there at all. Not in mammogram, on the ultrasound computer screen, not by physical touch. It was gone. Most likely it was fluid, or scar tissue (from my reduction on that side), or just something that fluctuated with my hormones. Miracles come in all forms.

Exhale. Relief. Joy.

Even before the lump was found, Specific words from a newly-learned Bethel Music worship song have been on repeat in my mind. I'm determined to make a sign for myself with them on it:

So let go my soul and trust in Him,
The waves and wind still know His Name.
  (From 'It Is Well')

I guess I wrote all of this to hopefully encourage someone who is finding themselves in the trenches of fear, anxieties, or even a form of scanxiety - Unable to see or move ahead because of the fears of our past - past failures, broken relationships, unmet goals and dreams. You are not alone - remember God's faithfulness, trust Him, and move forward.

Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
    Psalm 103:2

Full Of Thanks And Giving

Once you've been diagnosed with cancer, you don't ever really stop thinking about it. The possibility of reoccurrence is always in the back of your mind, and comes to the forefront with every illness, new ache & pain, new scan, and every unrelated symptom. However, for the first time since this whole roller coaster started, I feel like I am done. My genetics testing came back clear for the mutated BRCA  1& 2 genes, and I just found out today that my most recent MRI looked great and was clear of anything suspicious. That's it. No more tests. No more major surgeries. Just a yearly check up with oncology. And, while I know that reoccurrence is always a possibility, I feel the Holy Spirit's peace on my life where this is concerned. I don't need to dwell in worry or fear, and for this I am so thankful. 

However, my journey is not quite finished.

Two years ago, when I was told that I had cancer, I asked God to use my circumstances - whatever the outcome - to reach and help other women. Maybe it was because I wanted my illness to have some grander purpose, or meaning...I think we all somewhat desire that of our lives. Some part of me was screaming "If I have to go through ALL of THIS, something good BETTER come out if it!" Haha.  I know that God doesn't wish that anyone would suffer, but as you may have noticed, our world is broken. He can and does, however, use our circumstances - even our horrible traumatic ones - for His glory if we allow Him to. Good CAN come out of awful. It says in romans 8:28 

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

We all have the choice to dwell on the circumstances we have gone through, or to allow God to use our experiences to make a difference in the lives of others. And, while I have seen God's hand at work in my life over the past two years, I haven't been able to really see how my journey could be used for Him. That is, until recently.

A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from one of my surgeons, and was asked if I would share my story with a room full of women who are facing the same things I had to face, as well as members of the medical community. There it is...handed to me on a platter. God has been so good to me. There was no way I would, or could, say 'no'. So, on October 19th, as part of BRA day (breast reconstruction awareness day), I will be speaking about my journey, my surgery experiences, and what I felt was 'helpful' to me during it. I am praying the Lord will give me wisdom, courage and words. I am so looking forward to seeing how God will use me through this avenue.

 2 Corinthians 9:11-13:

"Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving—the needs of the believers in Jerusalem will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God. As a result of your ministry, they will give glory to God. For your generosity to them and to all believers will prove that you are obedient to the Good News of Christ."

This is my favourite time of year: changing leaves, cooler weather, bugs start to disappear, and Thanksgiving Day.  This year I think it will hold a whole new meaning for me - Thanks and Giving.

May we all continue to be thankful for all that God has brought us through, and giving in how we allow Him to use us to meet the needs of others.

Forty Years And All's Well...

Today I turn 40....FORTY! Whaaaaaaa?

How did this happen? I'm one of those people that feel like 1990 was 10 years ago. But here I am. 40. Years. Old. I've finally reached the point in my life where all the 'Over The Hill' paraphernalia actually applies to me. And do you know what? I've never felt better.

Sure, I'm tired from watching pre-schoolers and broken sleep. My body is still weary from recoveries and learning to use new (and rearranged) muscles. But, I am content with where I am and who I am...and who I am becoming. After two + years of struggling to get my health back, I am well on my way. I had a weight goal to reach by my fortieth birthday - to be in the 150's again - and I have met it. So far, I have lost approximately 50 pounds in the last 2 1/2 years. It has been a long process, but it has been worth it. 10 pounds to go to be in my healthy BMI weight range.  We are happy with where God has led us to live - crazy house and all. We are near family, and we are putting down roots for our kids. 

Even though I am supposed to be 'slowing down' I feel like life is still flying by.

- My signs are still bringing me joy to paint, although I am striving to find a better work-life balance where that is concerned so that I am not stressed by it. It may mean that I cut way back on customer orders. 

- One of our kitties, Jayne, was hit by a car last week, so a couple days ago we added a new kitten to our family - for us and for Malcolm. We named her Vera :)

- I am also stepping out into a new adventure. Earlier this week I officially became an independent Norwex consultant.  We have been slowly changing our foods to a more whole-food diet, and trying to eat less processed food. We also would like to remove many of the harmful cleaning chemicals from our house. Not only would I like to cut out some allergy triggers (Darren and Jaelyn have respiratory allergies, and all of us have skin sentitivities and/or eczema), but I am positive that exposure to chemicals from my food and environment throughout my life had a hand in expediting, if not causing, the disease in my body. I have thought about making my own cleaners, and I have Pinterest pins galore with different mixtures to try, but let's face it...when it comes to cleaning, I AM LAZY haha. I need something that is already proven, that I can use immediately in my house (because I just want the harmful stuff gone), that is EASY to use, safe for the environment, and that will save me money. I have always claimed that I didn't want to direct-sell anything, but Norwex seems like a good fit for our family, and for me. The more I learn about this company and products, the more i love!

- we are continuing with home renovations ever so slowly. We aren't in a rush, but I would love to have some projects finished.

I know. It still seems like a lot. Even though I am technically on a 'sabbatical' from ministry leadership for the next year, I still want to help contribute to our families finances and continue to get ourselves out of debt. Both of my girls will be going to preschool two mornings a week, which will free up time for me to focus on things I want/need done. Pray that I find the right balance between my family, my work (Mug Half Full Designs and Norwex...and eventually our company that we own), my health (exercise), and growing even closer to the Lord.

I've also discovered a few things in the past few months. I have never realized how introverted I was until I started spending a lot of time by myself. I guess I always assumed I was somewhat of an extrovert - I had no problem getting up in front of people to sing (although I am always more nervous speaking), I've worked in retail for almost 15 years, and have been involved with numerous church plants, so I am used to putting myself out there and meeting new people. A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could come visit with her kids and have a playdate. I confessed to her that it was the first time I had really had anyone come visit me at my house for a playdate since we moved here two years ago. Now, to be fair, a good portion of that I was preparing for and recovering from surgeries. My friend looked a bit surprised and asked "did you invite anyone over?". I had never really thought about it, but I knew my answer. "No".

I am an introvert, who 'refuels' by some alone time, but also some time around others. I remember writing some of my papers in college while sitting in the Student Centre because it accomplished both. However, a funny thing happens when you are an introvert and you are by yourself a lot...your start to 'hermitize'  (yes...I just made up that word). You lose any motivation to step outside your space and initiate. I am also married to an introvert...who is out in the public all day, and needs 'home' time to recharge. When I don't get out of the house, I end up looking to him to help me refuel my need to be around people a little bit. That usually doesn't work out well haha. This new business adventure will get me out of the house (or have people into my house), meeting and interacting with people in my community. I am both nervous and excited about all of it.

Some upcoming things for me on the horizon:

- This coming Monday - on the two year anniversary of my mastectomy (which will make me two years cancer-free)- I will get the results of my genetic testing for various breast cancer genes. There are only a small percentage of people who carry this gene, but I ask for your continued prayers, as a positive result will most likely mean more surgeries.

- I will have my yearly follow-up MRI in mid-September.

- My sister and I will be having our second annual kid-free mini vacation in Moncton for a few days in September. Can. Not. Wait. Also, with losing weight all of my clothes are too big. I need some. So this trip includes shopping :) 

- I will be attending and selling my signs at the Harvest women's conference at King's Church at the end of September. It is always an awesome weekend, but I have a lot to get done before then.

I appreciate your continued prayers though all of this. I still have some uncertain waters ahead but I know that I am not alone. I'm still going to step out of the boat and keep my eyes fixed on Him.