A Time To Heal

It was an evening I was looking forward to for the past two months...the 'ladies clothing swap' night at one of our sister churches. I  hadn't really been out of the house by myself for months, and I was looking forward to seeing friends. Plus, I needed some new clothes, as many of mine don't fit anymore after surgery. Even though Jaelyn had been up sick all night, I was NOT going to miss this opportunity. I got there early. I enjoyed coffee and chatting with my sister and friends, and the clothing swap began. 

And then the unexpected happened.

I became completely and utterly overwhelmed. I realized I was in a room full of people - awesome people - who were digging through clothes, elbows flying around...and I wanted to be anywhere else but there. My arms instinctively shot up to protect my chest, which made it impossible to reach in and look through any clothes. As I stood there, completely anxious and overwhelmed, I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. I just needed to make it through the room and to the front door without anyone talking to me, and then I would be home-free. I was embarrassed that this was too much for me to handle. As I made my way through the crowd, a familiar arm reached out and stopped me, and a dear friend asked how I was doing....and I lost it. For this I am grateful. Now, don't get me wrong, I get asked how I am doing all the time. But, it is all too easy to respond with "good" or "really well" and keep going. Sometimes God places people in your lives who ask you that question at just the right time (to us it may seem like the wrong time), and you know when they ask that you can't hold anything back. God has given them a gift of discernment to help others. As my fears and hurt poured out, she prayed, and God continued to heal me. This moment was a confirmation of something God has recently placed in my spirit. 

There is more healing to be done.

We are so thankful for God's provision for us as a family, for me physically, and the many blessings He has poured out on us over the past two years. I am so excited to be almost on the 'other side' of everything dealing with my health. I am waiting on my genetic testing results,  but am expecting a positive outcome. And I know that if anything is found, than it would be preventative measures that would be taken, which can only help me be here longer for my family. I had my last cancer-related appointment - physiotherapy for my arm mobility - and a full recovery is expected. From here on out it is just yearly scans and check-ups. This moment has been a long time coming, and I fully expected to be throwing myself back into my life passions and calling. But instead I find myself in unfamiliar territory.

I am exhausted.

You see, there are times in your life where you throw yourself headfirst into your calling and passion. There are times when you weather the storms.  There are also times when you need to step back and be renewed and refreshed. This is the place we are finding ourselves now. The physical, mental, and emotional trauma caused by my multiple surgeries has left me exhausted and physically depleted. I have come to understand that this is also part of my recovery. It's not just the physical health that I need to regain - the cardio and weights I need to implement daily to regain strength, or the complete diet overhaul - but the emotional and mental scars of dealing with a totally different body. One that is still healing and doesn't really seem like mine. But mostly, I'm just tired. And it's not just me.

I'm so thankful for my husband - how, with God's strength, he has carried us these past couple years: taking on extra responsibilities with the kids when I couldn't, extra house responsibilities when I was unable, less sleep to deal with waking children because I couldn't, being my spiritual rock when I was afraid - all while trying to get a new business off the ground. I have been so blessed. He is God's gift to me, and I don't think I could have made it through without him. But this journey has also left him tired and exhausted. I see it every time he catches a cold (which is often, thanks to Preschool), and when he finally sits down in the living room after the kids are in bed.

There is no doubt that serious medical issues put severe strain on families and marriages. In fact, I know of many relationships that have broken under the pressure of such intensity. While God has protected our family, we still are dealing with the after effects.

In many professions, including the ministry, you are allowed to have a sabbatical: a time of renewal, study and rest. Usually this is a paid time off, and is beneficial for both the Pastor, and the congregation. However, being bi-vocational doesn't usually give us this opportunity for sabbatical...for that matter, we rarely even get a vacation. Yet I continued to hear the Spirit tell me that I just need to 'be'...to rest in Him.

So, this coming year, we are taking a sabbatical from ministry leadership. Stepping back a bit, and letting God renew our weary family. We are focusing on our business, our little girls, our house (which is in desperate need of repair) and our health, and allowing God to continue to heal us. It's so easy to ask for God's healing, and then stand in the way of it by being caught up in 'business' that He is not asking you to do at this moment. Physical healing can be instant or gradual...both of these are miraculous, and they are completely out of our hands. However, I find emotional, mental and spiritual healing requires more submission on my part. These are the things that I guard, and sometimes as a leader, these are the areas that are hardest to admit that you are struggling with and need God's healing. 

Let me clarify: we are not burnt out. This, too, is part of the recovery journey. I think too often we view recovery from surgery and illness as just reaching the point to where the doctor says you are 'all good'. But there is so much more healing that needs to happen...many of which you don't even know about, so it's shocking when the need for it surfaces. We will still attend our church, be part of a Small Church (Home Group), help teach kids ministry and help out the worship team. But we are stepping back from the leadership aspect for a time...so we can heal.

This journey has affected my girls, too. How could it not?  Some may not understand this decision, but we have decided to wait a year before placing Jaelyn in Kindergarten. While her birthday is 20 days before the Dec. 31 cut-off, we feel she will benefit most by waiting a year. She has developed some allergies (respiratory, eczema) that is from genetics, and can be triggered by environment and stress...nothing serious, but we want to give her the best start possible.  We believe that waiting until she is 5 for Kindergarten will do that that, and her pediatrician confirms this. She will continue to go to preschool two mornings a week. I am excited to be able to take both girls out during the week by myself, and do some of the things as a family that they have missed out on during my recoveries. And she gets to be a little kid for just a bit longer.

I know it's not necessary to tell everyone abut our decisions, and I by no means feel that we need to justify our choices. But, I have been transparent since the beginning...why stop now? Being obedient to God's leading doesn't always mean stepping up. Sometimes it means stepping back. We want to be good stewards of what God gas given us: our home, our family and our finances. And, we are trusting Him in what He is asking us to do now. After 17 years of working both 'regular' and ministry jobs, He is asking us to rest and heal during this upcoming year...and to give Him our broken pieces so that He can bring full restoration. This is not a time of sadness. It is a time of refreshing and great expectation. I know that He has exciting things planned and in-store for us and our city...in order to be ready for that, we need to trust Him now and be obedient.

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3 (NLT)

"Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen."

- 1 Peter 5:9- 11(NLT)