Forty Years And All's Well...

Today I turn 40....FORTY! Whaaaaaaa?

How did this happen? I'm one of those people that feel like 1990 was 10 years ago. But here I am. 40. Years. Old. I've finally reached the point in my life where all the 'Over The Hill' paraphernalia actually applies to me. And do you know what? I've never felt better.

Sure, I'm tired from watching pre-schoolers and broken sleep. My body is still weary from recoveries and learning to use new (and rearranged) muscles. But, I am content with where I am and who I am...and who I am becoming. After two + years of struggling to get my health back, I am well on my way. I had a weight goal to reach by my fortieth birthday - to be in the 150's again - and I have met it. So far, I have lost approximately 50 pounds in the last 2 1/2 years. It has been a long process, but it has been worth it. 10 pounds to go to be in my healthy BMI weight range.  We are happy with where God has led us to live - crazy house and all. We are near family, and we are putting down roots for our kids. 

Even though I am supposed to be 'slowing down' I feel like life is still flying by.

- My signs are still bringing me joy to paint, although I am striving to find a better work-life balance where that is concerned so that I am not stressed by it. It may mean that I cut way back on customer orders. 

- One of our kitties, Jayne, was hit by a car last week, so a couple days ago we added a new kitten to our family - for us and for Malcolm. We named her Vera :)

- I am also stepping out into a new adventure. Earlier this week I officially became an independent Norwex consultant.  We have been slowly changing our foods to a more whole-food diet, and trying to eat less processed food. We also would like to remove many of the harmful cleaning chemicals from our house. Not only would I like to cut out some allergy triggers (Darren and Jaelyn have respiratory allergies, and all of us have skin sentitivities and/or eczema), but I am positive that exposure to chemicals from my food and environment throughout my life had a hand in expediting, if not causing, the disease in my body. I have thought about making my own cleaners, and I have Pinterest pins galore with different mixtures to try, but let's face it...when it comes to cleaning, I AM LAZY haha. I need something that is already proven, that I can use immediately in my house (because I just want the harmful stuff gone), that is EASY to use, safe for the environment, and that will save me money. I have always claimed that I didn't want to direct-sell anything, but Norwex seems like a good fit for our family, and for me. The more I learn about this company and products, the more i love!

- we are continuing with home renovations ever so slowly. We aren't in a rush, but I would love to have some projects finished.

I know. It still seems like a lot. Even though I am technically on a 'sabbatical' from ministry leadership for the next year, I still want to help contribute to our families finances and continue to get ourselves out of debt. Both of my girls will be going to preschool two mornings a week, which will free up time for me to focus on things I want/need done. Pray that I find the right balance between my family, my work (Mug Half Full Designs and Norwex...and eventually our company that we own), my health (exercise), and growing even closer to the Lord.

I've also discovered a few things in the past few months. I have never realized how introverted I was until I started spending a lot of time by myself. I guess I always assumed I was somewhat of an extrovert - I had no problem getting up in front of people to sing (although I am always more nervous speaking), I've worked in retail for almost 15 years, and have been involved with numerous church plants, so I am used to putting myself out there and meeting new people. A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could come visit with her kids and have a playdate. I confessed to her that it was the first time I had really had anyone come visit me at my house for a playdate since we moved here two years ago. Now, to be fair, a good portion of that I was preparing for and recovering from surgeries. My friend looked a bit surprised and asked "did you invite anyone over?". I had never really thought about it, but I knew my answer. "No".

I am an introvert, who 'refuels' by some alone time, but also some time around others. I remember writing some of my papers in college while sitting in the Student Centre because it accomplished both. However, a funny thing happens when you are an introvert and you are by yourself a lot...your start to 'hermitize'  (yes...I just made up that word). You lose any motivation to step outside your space and initiate. I am also married to an introvert...who is out in the public all day, and needs 'home' time to recharge. When I don't get out of the house, I end up looking to him to help me refuel my need to be around people a little bit. That usually doesn't work out well haha. This new business adventure will get me out of the house (or have people into my house), meeting and interacting with people in my community. I am both nervous and excited about all of it.

Some upcoming things for me on the horizon:

- This coming Monday - on the two year anniversary of my mastectomy (which will make me two years cancer-free)- I will get the results of my genetic testing for various breast cancer genes. There are only a small percentage of people who carry this gene, but I ask for your continued prayers, as a positive result will most likely mean more surgeries.

- I will have my yearly follow-up MRI in mid-September.

- My sister and I will be having our second annual kid-free mini vacation in Moncton for a few days in September. Can. Not. Wait. Also, with losing weight all of my clothes are too big. I need some. So this trip includes shopping :) 

- I will be attending and selling my signs at the Harvest women's conference at King's Church at the end of September. It is always an awesome weekend, but I have a lot to get done before then.

I appreciate your continued prayers though all of this. I still have some uncertain waters ahead but I know that I am not alone. I'm still going to step out of the boat and keep my eyes fixed on Him.

A Time To Heal

It was an evening I was looking forward to for the past two months...the 'ladies clothing swap' night at one of our sister churches. I  hadn't really been out of the house by myself for months, and I was looking forward to seeing friends. Plus, I needed some new clothes, as many of mine don't fit anymore after surgery. Even though Jaelyn had been up sick all night, I was NOT going to miss this opportunity. I got there early. I enjoyed coffee and chatting with my sister and friends, and the clothing swap began. 

And then the unexpected happened.

I became completely and utterly overwhelmed. I realized I was in a room full of people - awesome people - who were digging through clothes, elbows flying around...and I wanted to be anywhere else but there. My arms instinctively shot up to protect my chest, which made it impossible to reach in and look through any clothes. As I stood there, completely anxious and overwhelmed, I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. I just needed to make it through the room and to the front door without anyone talking to me, and then I would be home-free. I was embarrassed that this was too much for me to handle. As I made my way through the crowd, a familiar arm reached out and stopped me, and a dear friend asked how I was doing....and I lost it. For this I am grateful. Now, don't get me wrong, I get asked how I am doing all the time. But, it is all too easy to respond with "good" or "really well" and keep going. Sometimes God places people in your lives who ask you that question at just the right time (to us it may seem like the wrong time), and you know when they ask that you can't hold anything back. God has given them a gift of discernment to help others. As my fears and hurt poured out, she prayed, and God continued to heal me. This moment was a confirmation of something God has recently placed in my spirit. 

There is more healing to be done.

We are so thankful for God's provision for us as a family, for me physically, and the many blessings He has poured out on us over the past two years. I am so excited to be almost on the 'other side' of everything dealing with my health. I am waiting on my genetic testing results,  but am expecting a positive outcome. And I know that if anything is found, than it would be preventative measures that would be taken, which can only help me be here longer for my family. I had my last cancer-related appointment - physiotherapy for my arm mobility - and a full recovery is expected. From here on out it is just yearly scans and check-ups. This moment has been a long time coming, and I fully expected to be throwing myself back into my life passions and calling. But instead I find myself in unfamiliar territory.

I am exhausted.

You see, there are times in your life where you throw yourself headfirst into your calling and passion. There are times when you weather the storms.  There are also times when you need to step back and be renewed and refreshed. This is the place we are finding ourselves now. The physical, mental, and emotional trauma caused by my multiple surgeries has left me exhausted and physically depleted. I have come to understand that this is also part of my recovery. It's not just the physical health that I need to regain - the cardio and weights I need to implement daily to regain strength, or the complete diet overhaul - but the emotional and mental scars of dealing with a totally different body. One that is still healing and doesn't really seem like mine. But mostly, I'm just tired. And it's not just me.

I'm so thankful for my husband - how, with God's strength, he has carried us these past couple years: taking on extra responsibilities with the kids when I couldn't, extra house responsibilities when I was unable, less sleep to deal with waking children because I couldn't, being my spiritual rock when I was afraid - all while trying to get a new business off the ground. I have been so blessed. He is God's gift to me, and I don't think I could have made it through without him. But this journey has also left him tired and exhausted. I see it every time he catches a cold (which is often, thanks to Preschool), and when he finally sits down in the living room after the kids are in bed.

There is no doubt that serious medical issues put severe strain on families and marriages. In fact, I know of many relationships that have broken under the pressure of such intensity. While God has protected our family, we still are dealing with the after effects.

In many professions, including the ministry, you are allowed to have a sabbatical: a time of renewal, study and rest. Usually this is a paid time off, and is beneficial for both the Pastor, and the congregation. However, being bi-vocational doesn't usually give us this opportunity for sabbatical...for that matter, we rarely even get a vacation. Yet I continued to hear the Spirit tell me that I just need to 'be'...to rest in Him.

So, this coming year, we are taking a sabbatical from ministry leadership. Stepping back a bit, and letting God renew our weary family. We are focusing on our business, our little girls, our house (which is in desperate need of repair) and our health, and allowing God to continue to heal us. It's so easy to ask for God's healing, and then stand in the way of it by being caught up in 'business' that He is not asking you to do at this moment. Physical healing can be instant or gradual...both of these are miraculous, and they are completely out of our hands. However, I find emotional, mental and spiritual healing requires more submission on my part. These are the things that I guard, and sometimes as a leader, these are the areas that are hardest to admit that you are struggling with and need God's healing. 

Let me clarify: we are not burnt out. This, too, is part of the recovery journey. I think too often we view recovery from surgery and illness as just reaching the point to where the doctor says you are 'all good'. But there is so much more healing that needs to happen...many of which you don't even know about, so it's shocking when the need for it surfaces. We will still attend our church, be part of a Small Church (Home Group), help teach kids ministry and help out the worship team. But we are stepping back from the leadership aspect for a time...so we can heal.

This journey has affected my girls, too. How could it not?  Some may not understand this decision, but we have decided to wait a year before placing Jaelyn in Kindergarten. While her birthday is 20 days before the Dec. 31 cut-off, we feel she will benefit most by waiting a year. She has developed some allergies (respiratory, eczema) that is from genetics, and can be triggered by environment and stress...nothing serious, but we want to give her the best start possible.  We believe that waiting until she is 5 for Kindergarten will do that that, and her pediatrician confirms this. She will continue to go to preschool two mornings a week. I am excited to be able to take both girls out during the week by myself, and do some of the things as a family that they have missed out on during my recoveries. And she gets to be a little kid for just a bit longer.

I know it's not necessary to tell everyone abut our decisions, and I by no means feel that we need to justify our choices. But, I have been transparent since the beginning...why stop now? Being obedient to God's leading doesn't always mean stepping up. Sometimes it means stepping back. We want to be good stewards of what God gas given us: our home, our family and our finances. And, we are trusting Him in what He is asking us to do now. After 17 years of working both 'regular' and ministry jobs, He is asking us to rest and heal during this upcoming year...and to give Him our broken pieces so that He can bring full restoration. This is not a time of sadness. It is a time of refreshing and great expectation. I know that He has exciting things planned and in-store for us and our city...in order to be ready for that, we need to trust Him now and be obedient.

A Time for Everything

3 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3 (NLT)

"Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen."

- 1 Peter 5:9- 11(NLT)

Finding Rest

Yep...It's finally almost here...my last surgery. Next Friday I will undergo my exchange surgery: removing the tissue expander from my left side and replacing with an implant, and a slight reduction on my 'good' side. Even though I will be staying overnight at the hospital, recovery is expected to be much quicker and easier than my previous surgeries.  You'd think I would be excited that the end is in sight. Ecstatic that I can finally move on with my life and leave this part far behind.

But I'm actually having a hard time with it.

You see, I've finally been able to start sleeping well on my side, to lift and move things, and keep up with my kids...and now I'll have to start all over again: sleeping propped up on my back, having lifting and movement restrictions, being unable to care for my children by myself...again...even if only for a short time. Was it the thought of going through these things again that is draining me of energy? Of not being independent? Maybe. 

But I think I have allowed something else to happen.

I've been secretly telling myself that if I can get my life back to the speed I normally went before all of this craziness began, then everything would feel normal. 100% back into caring for the kids and the house, helping with renovations, making my signs so I can contribute to finances, volunteering at the church as much as I'm able. 

It has been extremely difficult these past two weeks to get motivated to go through the healing and recovery process for the fourth time in under three years. It's even been difficult to update the blog. I felt like I was doing so great, getting so much done...and then I kind-of hit a wall. I'm not writing this for pity, or fishing for compliments or encouragement. It's just a revelation I have been discovering. And I have also realized that I have been feeling guilty because of it. No matter how strong people tell me I am, and how much I really wan't to do it all, it's just not possible.

I have become all too aware that undergoing multiple surgeries leaves you exhausted. Each one is a major event for your body to cope with. I don't know where I got the idea that the recovery time from surgery is like getting over a cold or flu...that once the main aches and pains were gone, I was to resume life at regular speed. It's true that I don't need other treatment, but what I did have to endure were not 'simple procedures'. Maybe I oversimplified them because of the horrid things some of my dear friends are going through themselves? I don't really know. I do know that in the past couple of years I have had to nurse an open incision for 6 months, go through too many tests to remember, have a breast removed, wait for multiple pathology and MRI results, have a section of tissue, skin and muscle transplanted to a totally different area of my body and pray that it doesn't lose blood supply and die, lose weight and build muscle so I can recover better after each surgery, and deal with the emotional roller coaster of it all...oh, and take care of a now 2 and four year old, and everything else that comes with it, including potty-training, sick kids, disciplining, teaching and just loving on them. Yet I have been feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and that I am falling behind in what I am 'supposed' to be doing.

And then I felt the whisper and embrace of my heavenly Father saying "My Child, I am not asking you to do more."

I am trying too hard to be like Martha, when He is asking me to be like Mary:

Luke 10:38-42(NLT): 38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I have been concentrating on the doing...but God just wants me to 'be'. Truth be told, I am not very good at 'not-doing'. But it is that very thing that is robbing me of precious times with my family, and taking time to just rest.

My list of things to do and accomplish was getting longer and longer...but was it really realistic for me to have a 'to-do' list? I am not supposed to be going full-speed right now. I am supposed to be recovering and renewing my strength. Resting in His strength and power, and being renewed by His Spirit. I am so used to doing things, that I'm sometimes not sure what to do when I am unable to. Not allowing myself rest has resulted in straining the relationship with my kids and husband, being exhausted and unmotivated. I've had a chance over the last while to really think about where my priorities are and should be...what's most important, and what God is calling me to do, now.

So for now, I am learning to be. Walking in the pace the Spirit is leading me in, not in the one I feel obligated to return to. What will that look like for me and my family? I'm not sure...but it will be in step with His plan for us. I will still care for my family and house, make my signs, and work in the ministry God has placed us in. But these unrealistic pressures and deadlines I have placed on myself...we have placed on ourselves as a family...the ones God is not asking us to do...those I am releasing to Him.

Doing the things of God and being a good steward of what He has given us should be a result of being in His presence...not a replacement for it. Sometimes we need to just be. And I have a feeling that I will be much more rejuvenated and refreshed because of it.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28