Truth be told, when it come to this disease that is/was in my body, I have always felt fine. There is no pain or really any symptoms associated with it. Yes, when I go through testing and biopsies I sometimes experience pain and uncomfortableness, and when I was recovering from surgery it was painful, and I was more tired than usual, and more susceptible to viruses...but I have since recovered. It truly is an 'invisible' disease I am fighting, and if I was not told I had it, it may have been quite a while before I realized it.
Most pain and sickness that is associated with cancer comes from the side-effects of chemo, radiation and pills that are taken as treatment. I have not needed any of these. I hesitate to say that I feel 'blessed' that I have been spared from these treatments, as there are many dear people I know that are enduring these treatments right now with dignity and grace. My treatment has been surgery, and there still will most likely be more to come.
How am I feeling? I am feeling thankful. When you do see me, I will probably look tired. That is because of life. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my little girls, who completely exhaust me...because they are little girls. The littlest one is teething, going through growth spurts, climbing, and is into everything - All. The. Time. The three year old is trying to potty-train, give up soothers, is becoming more independent and is testing her boundaries...daily. I get to spend my days with them, and soak in every moment. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my husband. Last night we watched Jimmy Fallon lip sync battles and Thank you note segments on you tube and laughed until we cried. I get to do that with him. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to see dear friends in Newfoundland last weekend, which was my first time back in three years. I was able to catch up with loved ones and even see some beautiful scenery. I am thankful that my children have amazing Grandparents who they get to spend time with - they see Darren's parents weekly, and my parents are only a short drive away (we will get to see them this coming weekend) They are all wonderful influences in their lives and it means so much to Darren and I that they are able to be a part of it.
How am I feeling? I am feeling grateful. We've just come through Easter weekend, and I had the opportunity to help lead our church family through the promise of the Messiah during our Christian Seder meal on Good Friday, and we celebrated our risen Saviour yesterday. Jesus conquered death when He rose from the grave. He beat it. It is no longer a threat for those who believe in Him. Even though I do have more tests to be done - the next one being next Wednesday for a complicated biopsy during an MRI - I am not living in anxiety or fear. This life is not the end, and I am more convinced and committed than ever to spending my life doing what God asks of me.
1 Corinthians 15:54-58
54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?"
55 O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?"
56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.
When you believe...truly believe...that He is victorious over death, it is amazing how you will no longer be controlled by the fear of it.
Sometimes I can and do feel overwhelmed with things, and my emotions feel closer to the surface than before. Parenting can be hard. Working on strengthening your relationships can be difficult. Renovating an old house costs time and money. Getting my diet and exercise to where they need to be takes commitment. The thought of more surgeries...BIG surgeries...in my future can be discouraging. Owning and running a business can be daunting. Serving God when and where He asks is sometimes tiring. On Sunday, our Lead Pastor said that being people of God means that we "act better than our circumstances." This isn't something we do ourselves. I am not super-woman, and if I was left to myself, I would be a blubbering pool of fear and emotions. This can only be done by surrendering yourself to the daily filling and leading of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who helps me act better than my circumstances. I find I do have less control over my emotions now when in situations where I feel overwhelmed, and that's ok. (I like having control, so this is something new I am learning). I cry more easily, and I sometimes need to get by myself, take a big breath, pray, and regroup my thoughts. This is still a new journey I am on, and I am learning.
So, when you see me or talk to me, don't be afraid to ask me how I'm feeling. I appreciate more than you know that you care, and that you are praying and thinking of me and my family.
But in case you were wondering, I am feeling fine...more than fine. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am alive, and I am confident in Him.
"Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!
Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!
Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave."
(Song: Christ is Risen - Matt Maher)
