Selective Memory

Did you know there is an actual term called 'scanxiety'?  Basically, it is the uneasiness or anxiety associated with waiting for the results from scans after you have been treated for cancer.

A little over a week ago, when I was leaning over the side rails on my daughter's bed, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn't think much of it, but the following days the pain was still there, and when I tried to pinpoint exactly where, I felt it...a lump...on my 'good' side. I tried the 'wait and see' approach for a few days, but the nagging 'what if's' in my brain made me call my doctor and set up an appointment.

Scanxiety.

They quickly scheduled me in for the next day, which was the only appointment available for at least the following week. I went in, ever so early in the morning, and sure enough, she felt it too. Normally, my doctor wouldn't be too concerned about a lump like this, and if found in anyone else she'd just monitor it for a while, but considering my history, we decided to put in a request for diagnostic tests.

Scanxiety.

The hospital called me a few days later with the appointment day, time and instructions. Now I just had to wait to go. I think by this time I wasn't engulfed in fear....but I was rationally and logically planning out in my brain what would happen if what they found was something serious.

Scanxiety.

This morning I got up early and got ready before waking the kids, ate my breakfast, hugged my family, and drove out to the hospital. I checked into the diagnostic department, waited for them to call my name, partially undressed in the small stalls, put on a johnny shirt, and seated myself next to others in  another smaller waiting room. We smiled at each other, made small talk, stared at magazines...the notices on the walls...the floors...

My name was called, and I updated my medical history with this particular department. I then had a mammogram of my right side, and also my left armpit...where my sentinel node biopsy had been done during my mastectomy...and I went back to the room and waited.

...and all the while, scanxiety.

Not debilitating, not heart pounding...but present none-the-less. I looked at the faces of the other women waiting in the room - for some, you could tell they were just here for their routine yearly scan, and it was more of an inconvenient hiccup in their daily schedule. A few I could tell it was probably their first time there, mostly because they were young, and the anxiety was in their eyes as they stared  off into nothingness and avoided eye contact with others. Still, I wondered if there was anyone else there with scanxiety.

I hadn't really heard the term scanxiety until recently in one of my Facebook support groups, and when I looked it up online, I came across this:

"People often don't realize there is a difference between general anxiety and scanxiety: For those of us with scanxiety, it's not about what might happen, it's about what did happen. For us, it's not so much about worrying, but remembering."

Some have even associated it with PTSD.

Sometimes my anxieties and fears come to the forefront.  If I allow myself to dwell on it, my fears of the future could be debilitating and the 'what ifs' could paralyze me, making me unable to move forward because of what I have experienced in the past. I am so thankful that God loves me so much to walk with me during those times. That His grace covers me with His peace so I can sleep...and sleep well leading up to my appointments. That even though I may experience some fear, His presence neutralizes them, so they are no longer my focus. It's impossible to remember the past couple of years of my journey without seeing His hand in it...His faithfulness to me. So, while scanxiety may bring me momentary lapses of fear, remembering how He has walked beside me brings me joy and leads me to trust Him further...regardless of the results of the scans.

While I was reading online about scanxiety, I also ran across this quote:

"Our faith increases when we remember God's faithfulness in the past"
(deeper waters.us)

The end of my story? The next step for me was an ultrasound...and the radiologist couldn't find anything. Not that she couldn't find anything of concern...there was no lump there at all. Not in mammogram, on the ultrasound computer screen, not by physical touch. It was gone. Most likely it was fluid, or scar tissue (from my reduction on that side), or just something that fluctuated with my hormones. Miracles come in all forms.

Exhale. Relief. Joy.

Even before the lump was found, Specific words from a newly-learned Bethel Music worship song have been on repeat in my mind. I'm determined to make a sign for myself with them on it:

So let go my soul and trust in Him,
The waves and wind still know His Name.
  (From 'It Is Well')

I guess I wrote all of this to hopefully encourage someone who is finding themselves in the trenches of fear, anxieties, or even a form of scanxiety - Unable to see or move ahead because of the fears of our past - past failures, broken relationships, unmet goals and dreams. You are not alone - remember God's faithfulness, trust Him, and move forward.

Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
    Psalm 103:2

Full Of Thanks And Giving

Once you've been diagnosed with cancer, you don't ever really stop thinking about it. The possibility of reoccurrence is always in the back of your mind, and comes to the forefront with every illness, new ache & pain, new scan, and every unrelated symptom. However, for the first time since this whole roller coaster started, I feel like I am done. My genetics testing came back clear for the mutated BRCA  1& 2 genes, and I just found out today that my most recent MRI looked great and was clear of anything suspicious. That's it. No more tests. No more major surgeries. Just a yearly check up with oncology. And, while I know that reoccurrence is always a possibility, I feel the Holy Spirit's peace on my life where this is concerned. I don't need to dwell in worry or fear, and for this I am so thankful. 

However, my journey is not quite finished.

Two years ago, when I was told that I had cancer, I asked God to use my circumstances - whatever the outcome - to reach and help other women. Maybe it was because I wanted my illness to have some grander purpose, or meaning...I think we all somewhat desire that of our lives. Some part of me was screaming "If I have to go through ALL of THIS, something good BETTER come out if it!" Haha.  I know that God doesn't wish that anyone would suffer, but as you may have noticed, our world is broken. He can and does, however, use our circumstances - even our horrible traumatic ones - for His glory if we allow Him to. Good CAN come out of awful. It says in romans 8:28 

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

We all have the choice to dwell on the circumstances we have gone through, or to allow God to use our experiences to make a difference in the lives of others. And, while I have seen God's hand at work in my life over the past two years, I haven't been able to really see how my journey could be used for Him. That is, until recently.

A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from one of my surgeons, and was asked if I would share my story with a room full of women who are facing the same things I had to face, as well as members of the medical community. There it is...handed to me on a platter. God has been so good to me. There was no way I would, or could, say 'no'. So, on October 19th, as part of BRA day (breast reconstruction awareness day), I will be speaking about my journey, my surgery experiences, and what I felt was 'helpful' to me during it. I am praying the Lord will give me wisdom, courage and words. I am so looking forward to seeing how God will use me through this avenue.

 2 Corinthians 9:11-13:

"Yes, you will be enriched in every way so that you can always be generous. And when we take your gifts to those who need them, they will thank God. So two good things will result from this ministry of giving—the needs of the believers in Jerusalem will be met, and they will joyfully express their thanks to God. As a result of your ministry, they will give glory to God. For your generosity to them and to all believers will prove that you are obedient to the Good News of Christ."

This is my favourite time of year: changing leaves, cooler weather, bugs start to disappear, and Thanksgiving Day.  This year I think it will hold a whole new meaning for me - Thanks and Giving.

May we all continue to be thankful for all that God has brought us through, and giving in how we allow Him to use us to meet the needs of others.

Forty Years And All's Well...

Today I turn 40....FORTY! Whaaaaaaa?

How did this happen? I'm one of those people that feel like 1990 was 10 years ago. But here I am. 40. Years. Old. I've finally reached the point in my life where all the 'Over The Hill' paraphernalia actually applies to me. And do you know what? I've never felt better.

Sure, I'm tired from watching pre-schoolers and broken sleep. My body is still weary from recoveries and learning to use new (and rearranged) muscles. But, I am content with where I am and who I am...and who I am becoming. After two + years of struggling to get my health back, I am well on my way. I had a weight goal to reach by my fortieth birthday - to be in the 150's again - and I have met it. So far, I have lost approximately 50 pounds in the last 2 1/2 years. It has been a long process, but it has been worth it. 10 pounds to go to be in my healthy BMI weight range.  We are happy with where God has led us to live - crazy house and all. We are near family, and we are putting down roots for our kids. 

Even though I am supposed to be 'slowing down' I feel like life is still flying by.

- My signs are still bringing me joy to paint, although I am striving to find a better work-life balance where that is concerned so that I am not stressed by it. It may mean that I cut way back on customer orders. 

- One of our kitties, Jayne, was hit by a car last week, so a couple days ago we added a new kitten to our family - for us and for Malcolm. We named her Vera :)

- I am also stepping out into a new adventure. Earlier this week I officially became an independent Norwex consultant.  We have been slowly changing our foods to a more whole-food diet, and trying to eat less processed food. We also would like to remove many of the harmful cleaning chemicals from our house. Not only would I like to cut out some allergy triggers (Darren and Jaelyn have respiratory allergies, and all of us have skin sentitivities and/or eczema), but I am positive that exposure to chemicals from my food and environment throughout my life had a hand in expediting, if not causing, the disease in my body. I have thought about making my own cleaners, and I have Pinterest pins galore with different mixtures to try, but let's face it...when it comes to cleaning, I AM LAZY haha. I need something that is already proven, that I can use immediately in my house (because I just want the harmful stuff gone), that is EASY to use, safe for the environment, and that will save me money. I have always claimed that I didn't want to direct-sell anything, but Norwex seems like a good fit for our family, and for me. The more I learn about this company and products, the more i love!

- we are continuing with home renovations ever so slowly. We aren't in a rush, but I would love to have some projects finished.

I know. It still seems like a lot. Even though I am technically on a 'sabbatical' from ministry leadership for the next year, I still want to help contribute to our families finances and continue to get ourselves out of debt. Both of my girls will be going to preschool two mornings a week, which will free up time for me to focus on things I want/need done. Pray that I find the right balance between my family, my work (Mug Half Full Designs and Norwex...and eventually our company that we own), my health (exercise), and growing even closer to the Lord.

I've also discovered a few things in the past few months. I have never realized how introverted I was until I started spending a lot of time by myself. I guess I always assumed I was somewhat of an extrovert - I had no problem getting up in front of people to sing (although I am always more nervous speaking), I've worked in retail for almost 15 years, and have been involved with numerous church plants, so I am used to putting myself out there and meeting new people. A few weeks ago, a friend asked if she could come visit with her kids and have a playdate. I confessed to her that it was the first time I had really had anyone come visit me at my house for a playdate since we moved here two years ago. Now, to be fair, a good portion of that I was preparing for and recovering from surgeries. My friend looked a bit surprised and asked "did you invite anyone over?". I had never really thought about it, but I knew my answer. "No".

I am an introvert, who 'refuels' by some alone time, but also some time around others. I remember writing some of my papers in college while sitting in the Student Centre because it accomplished both. However, a funny thing happens when you are an introvert and you are by yourself a lot...your start to 'hermitize'  (yes...I just made up that word). You lose any motivation to step outside your space and initiate. I am also married to an introvert...who is out in the public all day, and needs 'home' time to recharge. When I don't get out of the house, I end up looking to him to help me refuel my need to be around people a little bit. That usually doesn't work out well haha. This new business adventure will get me out of the house (or have people into my house), meeting and interacting with people in my community. I am both nervous and excited about all of it.

Some upcoming things for me on the horizon:

- This coming Monday - on the two year anniversary of my mastectomy (which will make me two years cancer-free)- I will get the results of my genetic testing for various breast cancer genes. There are only a small percentage of people who carry this gene, but I ask for your continued prayers, as a positive result will most likely mean more surgeries.

- I will have my yearly follow-up MRI in mid-September.

- My sister and I will be having our second annual kid-free mini vacation in Moncton for a few days in September. Can. Not. Wait. Also, with losing weight all of my clothes are too big. I need some. So this trip includes shopping :) 

- I will be attending and selling my signs at the Harvest women's conference at King's Church at the end of September. It is always an awesome weekend, but I have a lot to get done before then.

I appreciate your continued prayers though all of this. I still have some uncertain waters ahead but I know that I am not alone. I'm still going to step out of the boat and keep my eyes fixed on Him.

Finding Rest

Yep...It's finally almost here...my last surgery. Next Friday I will undergo my exchange surgery: removing the tissue expander from my left side and replacing with an implant, and a slight reduction on my 'good' side. Even though I will be staying overnight at the hospital, recovery is expected to be much quicker and easier than my previous surgeries.  You'd think I would be excited that the end is in sight. Ecstatic that I can finally move on with my life and leave this part far behind.

But I'm actually having a hard time with it.

You see, I've finally been able to start sleeping well on my side, to lift and move things, and keep up with my kids...and now I'll have to start all over again: sleeping propped up on my back, having lifting and movement restrictions, being unable to care for my children by myself...again...even if only for a short time. Was it the thought of going through these things again that is draining me of energy? Of not being independent? Maybe. 

But I think I have allowed something else to happen.

I've been secretly telling myself that if I can get my life back to the speed I normally went before all of this craziness began, then everything would feel normal. 100% back into caring for the kids and the house, helping with renovations, making my signs so I can contribute to finances, volunteering at the church as much as I'm able. 

It has been extremely difficult these past two weeks to get motivated to go through the healing and recovery process for the fourth time in under three years. It's even been difficult to update the blog. I felt like I was doing so great, getting so much done...and then I kind-of hit a wall. I'm not writing this for pity, or fishing for compliments or encouragement. It's just a revelation I have been discovering. And I have also realized that I have been feeling guilty because of it. No matter how strong people tell me I am, and how much I really wan't to do it all, it's just not possible.

I have become all too aware that undergoing multiple surgeries leaves you exhausted. Each one is a major event for your body to cope with. I don't know where I got the idea that the recovery time from surgery is like getting over a cold or flu...that once the main aches and pains were gone, I was to resume life at regular speed. It's true that I don't need other treatment, but what I did have to endure were not 'simple procedures'. Maybe I oversimplified them because of the horrid things some of my dear friends are going through themselves? I don't really know. I do know that in the past couple of years I have had to nurse an open incision for 6 months, go through too many tests to remember, have a breast removed, wait for multiple pathology and MRI results, have a section of tissue, skin and muscle transplanted to a totally different area of my body and pray that it doesn't lose blood supply and die, lose weight and build muscle so I can recover better after each surgery, and deal with the emotional roller coaster of it all...oh, and take care of a now 2 and four year old, and everything else that comes with it, including potty-training, sick kids, disciplining, teaching and just loving on them. Yet I have been feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and that I am falling behind in what I am 'supposed' to be doing.

And then I felt the whisper and embrace of my heavenly Father saying "My Child, I am not asking you to do more."

I am trying too hard to be like Martha, when He is asking me to be like Mary:

Luke 10:38-42(NLT): 38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

I have been concentrating on the doing...but God just wants me to 'be'. Truth be told, I am not very good at 'not-doing'. But it is that very thing that is robbing me of precious times with my family, and taking time to just rest.

My list of things to do and accomplish was getting longer and longer...but was it really realistic for me to have a 'to-do' list? I am not supposed to be going full-speed right now. I am supposed to be recovering and renewing my strength. Resting in His strength and power, and being renewed by His Spirit. I am so used to doing things, that I'm sometimes not sure what to do when I am unable to. Not allowing myself rest has resulted in straining the relationship with my kids and husband, being exhausted and unmotivated. I've had a chance over the last while to really think about where my priorities are and should be...what's most important, and what God is calling me to do, now.

So for now, I am learning to be. Walking in the pace the Spirit is leading me in, not in the one I feel obligated to return to. What will that look like for me and my family? I'm not sure...but it will be in step with His plan for us. I will still care for my family and house, make my signs, and work in the ministry God has placed us in. But these unrealistic pressures and deadlines I have placed on myself...we have placed on ourselves as a family...the ones God is not asking us to do...those I am releasing to Him.

Doing the things of God and being a good steward of what He has given us should be a result of being in His presence...not a replacement for it. Sometimes we need to just be. And I have a feeling that I will be much more rejuvenated and refreshed because of it.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

Transformed

The signs I make aren't perfect. In fact, they all have flaws in some way another...and with two kids under three underfoot while I'm painting, I'm amazed there aren't more. These 'flaws' used to bother me, but now I've come to embrace them (I've even put a disclaimer on my Facebook Page that my signs are 'perfectly imperfect'). Many people in the sign business use vinyl cutouts and stencils to make their signs perfect, and while I use some stencils to sketch out a lot of my signs, I think using vinyl and painting through stencils would take the fun out of it for me, and would remove a lot of the character from the pieces that hand-painting brings. More than anything, I love how they have been transformed from old, ugly, discarded doors and wood, into positive pieces of art that bring me joy to paint, and are even enjoyed by others. I realize that only using repurposed and reclaimed materials to paint on can limit my options, and sometimes I'm unable to do requests from customers because I don't have the supplies, but it's the transformation that happens with every piece that speaks to me every single time. 

I also see them as an expression of my journey. Next week will mark one year since  I heard the words "You have cancer." I can't believe the changes that have happened since then. Even today, my youngest turns 18 months old - a year and a half! And obviously I've gone through a physical transformation myself, and the mastectomy has most definitely left me flawed. Scarred. Disfigured. While my journey has been in some ways horrifying, I love how God has used it, and has continued to use my journey and me to help others who are facing it themselves. I have been made 'perfectly imperfect', to share God's love and peace with others. Most of my transformation is not visible to others, though - it's below the surface...my faith, peace and joy in the Spirit have all been strengthened stronger than they were before this part of my journey started.

I know some have wondered why I chose the name 'Mug Half Full' for my blog and business. It was taken somewhat from my love of coffee, and a play on the phrase 'glass half full'. But, it was also from a desire placed in my heart about three years ago to see the positive and beautiful in the broken and discarded - whether that was an old house or random material - and to help transform it. I also wanted to see God transform broken and discarded people, and to be used to help any way He saw fit. That's when I began to blog. I never dreamed then where this journey would take me, and when I started making signs after my recovery from surgery, I knew 'Mug Half Full Designs' needed to be the name. 

This coming week I have the privilege to have my signs available at Beulah Camp, and while I did not grow up attending the camp there, it was the place of some pivotal moments in my life where God transformed me...and He still continues to do so. I'm looking forward to a fun week with my girls and family, and catching up with some people I haven't seen in a while, and hearing stories about God's transforming power in their own lives.

Most of what I paint is straight from Scripture, or from songs that speak Truth to me. I'm forced to meditate and think on the words with every sign, and I love it. God's word is transforming, and it's my prayer that my signs help to speak those transforming truths into people's homes and lives.

I'm looking forward to being transformed more and more into the person He created me to be :)

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit

2 Corinthians 3:17-1 (NIV)

Praising, Potty training, Preaching, & Planning

I know, it's been a while. I seem to say that a lot, but sometimes life takes over, and sometimes you need to just 'be' without telling everything to the world. But I'm back now, and excited to share what has been going on.

Two days after my 'complicated biopsy' on my right side, I met with my oncologist, and she gave me these wonderful words...again: "no cancer". Just fibrosis and fat cells, haha (never thought I'd be happy about fibrosis and fat, but I am). I am so thankful to God for these results, and for those who have been continually praying for me and my family! I didn't know how relieved I would be to hear that until I did. I had come to terms that I would be having surgery either way: reconstruction, or lumpectomy/mastectomy again...but having the knowledge that there are no signs of that disease lurking in me is a comfort. My surgeon scheduled me for another MRI in October just to follow up again, on the recommendation of the radiologist, because it isn't typical for fat and fibrosis to show up during MRI's with the dye they use (not abnormal, just not typical) so they want to be sure...again. At least I know I am well looked after my the medical field :) 

I've also been potty training my 3-year old, which has been an adventure in itself. It's mostly a battle of the wills, as she know how to 'go' on the potty...we just have to wear her down now, haha. We have good days and bad days with this, but we are definitely moving forward.

On Mother's Day, I had the opportunity to share with my church family what God has been teaching me throughout the past number of years. Rather than writing out the highlights on here, I'll just post the link for the podcast: http://rvwc.podbean.com (May 10th - "Living With Great Joy and Expectation". Have a listen if you want :)

Reconstruction is still a "go" for the end of this summer. I am just waiting to hear from the doctor after the first of July to set up our next consultation. You may be wondering how the weight loss is going. It's going slowly. Very. Slowly. I'm still juicing some, watching my calories, and trying to up my exercise. I've decided that to get more motivated about this, I need a scale that is actually accurate, so we are going to come into the new age of technology and upgrade to digital. Hopefully that will take the guesswork out of where I am at on this whole journey. There is still time, but I need to kick it up a notch (and perhaps cut back on ice cream, haha)

I've been kept super busy with my signs, which is the main reason I haven't been blogging lately. So many customer orders! I'll need to put a hold on taking orders soon, as I will be having some of my signs at Beulah Camp in the Storehouse this year, and I'm very excited about that! Darren and I have also been working on the house here and there, and will be posting pictures soon on here. I also have some fun decor projects I'm excited to share!

One of the things I'm most excited about coming up in the next couple months, is a getaway with my sister to Moncton for a few days. We'll have spa time, go shopping, watch movies and just relax...with no kids. I am soooo looking forward to that, especially with more surgery looming for me shortly after.

So that's what's been going on with me. The next few months are sure to be busy, but i have a feeling there's going to be some great things to write about :)

How Are You Feeling?

I find I get asked that question a lot lately, especially from those who I haven't seen or talked to in a while. "How are you feeling?"

Truth be told, when it come to this disease that is/was in my body, I have always felt fine. There is no pain or really any symptoms associated with it. Yes, when I go through testing and biopsies I sometimes experience pain and uncomfortableness, and when I was recovering from surgery it was painful, and I was more tired than usual, and more susceptible to viruses...but I have since recovered. It truly is an 'invisible' disease I am fighting, and if I was not told I had it, it may have been quite a while before I realized it.

Most pain and sickness that is associated with cancer comes from the side-effects of chemo, radiation and pills that are taken as treatment. I have not needed any of these.  I hesitate to say that I feel 'blessed' that I have been spared from these treatments, as there are many dear people I know that are enduring these treatments right now with dignity and grace. My treatment has been surgery, and there still will most likely be more to come.

How am I feeling? I am feeling thankful. When you do see me, I will probably look tired. That is because of life. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my little girls, who completely exhaust me...because they are little girls. The littlest one is teething, going through growth spurts, climbing, and is into everything - All. The. Time. The three year old is trying to potty-train, give up soothers, is becoming more independent and is testing her boundaries...daily. I get to spend my days with them, and soak in every moment. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my husband. Last night we watched Jimmy Fallon lip sync battles and Thank you note segments on you tube and laughed until we cried. I get to do that with him. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to see dear friends in Newfoundland last weekend, which was my first time back in three years. I was able to catch up with loved ones and even see some beautiful scenery. I am thankful that my children have amazing Grandparents who they get to spend time with - they see Darren's parents weekly, and my parents are only a short drive away (we will get to see them this coming weekend) They are all wonderful influences in their lives and it means so much to Darren and I that they are able to be a part of it.

How am I feeling? I am feeling grateful. We've just come through Easter weekend, and I had the opportunity to help lead our church family through the promise of the Messiah during our Christian Seder meal on Good Friday, and we celebrated our risen Saviour yesterday. Jesus conquered death when He rose from the grave. He beat it. It is no longer a threat for those who believe in Him. Even though I do have more tests to be done - the next one being next Wednesday for a complicated biopsy during an MRI - I am not living in anxiety or fear. This life is not the end, and I am more convinced and committed than ever to spending my life doing what God asks of me.

1 Corinthians 15:54-58

54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?"

56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

When you believe...truly believe...that He is victorious over death, it is amazing how you will no longer be controlled by the fear of it.

Sometimes I can and do feel overwhelmed with things, and my emotions feel closer to the surface than before. Parenting can be hard. Working on strengthening your relationships can be difficult. Renovating an old house costs time and money. Getting my diet and exercise to where they need to be takes commitment. The thought of more surgeries...BIG surgeries...in my future can be discouraging. Owning and running a business can be daunting. Serving God when and where He asks is sometimes tiring. On Sunday, our Lead Pastor said that being people of God means that we "act better than our circumstances." This isn't something we do ourselves. I am not super-woman, and if I was left to myself, I would be a blubbering pool of fear and emotions. This can only be done by surrendering yourself to the daily filling and leading of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who helps me act better than my circumstances. I find I do have less control over my emotions now when in situations where I feel overwhelmed, and that's ok. (I like having control, so this is something new I am learning). I cry more easily, and I sometimes need to get by myself, take a big breath, pray, and regroup my thoughts. This is still a new journey I am on, and I am learning.

So, when you see me or talk to me, don't be afraid to ask me how I'm feeling. I appreciate more than you know that you care, and that you are praying and thinking of me and my family. 

But in case you were wondering, I am feeling fine...more than fine. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am alive, and I am confident in Him.

"Oh death! Where is your sting?

Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave."

(Song: Christ is Risen - Matt Maher)

Waiting

I hate waiting. I especially hate waiting for results that could be bad. In these times, my life seems to come to a halt. This year has definitely been a journey for us, and God has shown Himself to be faithful through all of it, yet I still hate to wait. I don't want to do anything until I know the next steps.  I feel like that's what I was doing until I could just get through my second MRI. I would tell myself that once that scan was over with, then I could move on, and do things. I would really get into gear with my exercises. I would do more with renos around the house. I would plan more activities with the kids. I would spend more quality time with my husband.

But the scan didn't really give answers, and if anything, it brought more questions. More tests are needed to see if these 'spots' they are tracking on my right side are anything serious. More poking and prodding, and possible biopsies...and I am forced to wait longer. 

A funny thing happens when you decide to do NOTHING but wait. You start to worry. That worry, then leads to fear. I think fear and worry cause more damage than any illness or circumstance you are going through. They rob you of your time, and your joy. They blind you from seeing what is happening RIGHT NOW. You become occupied with "what-ifs".

We had planned to go out to eat as a family and celebrate if/when I received good news. As I met with my doctor, heard his words, and then went out into the hallway - I saw my kids faces. They're young and don't have any concept of what is really going on. They're just excited to be at the hospital (a new place for them), to see new people, and to eat a whole donut for the first time. I knew then that I didn't want to wait anymore, and I wanted to take advantage of every opportunity given to me. So...we went out to eat and celebrated as a family anyway, even in the not knowing. 

So many times in my life I have been 'waiting', and I have allowed my own thoughts to almost paralyze me, where I don't do anything. I let things pile up around me because if I can just get through this next 'thing' then I will be free to do everything else. But, when I wait in worry and fear, I miss the now. I miss the opportunities. I miss the joy. And it says "I don't trust you" to God. Waiting makes us stagnant. Complacent. 

What do you do instead of worrying? You hope. 

Instead of fear? You trust.

He wants to give us His peace, but we need to release our worries and fears to Him in order to receive it. 

These are some promises that I have been reflecting on. I hope they bring some comfort to someone else who is 'waiting':

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." - Hebrews 10:22-24

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." - Ephesians 3:16-19

Yes, we need to wait on Him for His provision and direction, but that doesn't mean we do nothing. Continue on with what you already know He has called you to do. Pastor Dave said on Sunday - if you are waiting on Gods direction, but haven't heard anything specific yet, then go find somebody and love on them. You already know He has called you to do that. 

Pour your life into someone. Take advantage of the moments with your family. Spend time in His Word and listening to His voice. Your circumstances may be out of your control, but what you do with your time is not.

Carpe diem.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." - Leo Buscaglia

Forgetting

Sometimes I forget that it all happened. That it is happening. That there is still more to come. I am reminded when I dress in the mornings and when I get ready for bed at night about the trauma that has happened to my body and my life. But in-between those times, I sometimes forget and my life is 'normal' again. I am thankful for those times when I can just be with my family, laugh with my kids, and go on 'dates' with my husband. 

Darren and I have been faithful to our 'juicing' adventure. I was juicing breakfast and drinking smoothies for a number of weeks, and have just now entered my second week of juicing both breakfast and lunch. We go to the City Market every Saturday, and a few other places, to get all of the produce we need for the week. Two servings each of four juices...every day. That is a lot of fruit and vegetables!! It can get expensive, but we scope out deals every week and try to keep the expensive produce to a minimum.

So what have been the results?

- We are finally sleeping at night. I have not slept well since I was first pregnant with Jaelyn...which is almost four years of bad sleep. I am finally getting the rest I need and have energy throughout the day.

- I have lost 5-10 pounds

- Darren has lost 25 pounds!

- we are eating healthier, having less sugar, and teaching our kids how to eat better.

- I no longer need any vitamin supplements, which aren't accepted by my body well anyway.

We plan on continuing to juice for a while, and at some point I will do a complete juice fast for a time. If you are interested in some of the recipes that we use, Darren and I have been posting them in a shared album on Facebook.

I've been using my treadmill a couple times a week (need to do more), but have yet to start using my weight exercises. I definitely need to get my motivation back up for this, as I can feel the lack of it, especially on my surgery side. But, I am still determined! I've been kept very busy with my signs and making a lot of customer orders. I am grateful for that. Darren and I have also started working on some more house renovations again and will hopefully have pictures to post in the near future.

I've been able to enjoy these last few months without needing to deal with any recovery, any major appointments, any medical stress. It's been restful and wonderful.

But then I'm forced to face it again...and that is OK. While I don't welcome the stress and pain, I do welcome what God is doing in my life through these circumstances: what He is teaching me, and how my faith is being stretched...and those are things I don't want to forget.

My follow-up MRI is scheduled for next Tuesday. This will check my right side again, to make sure there is nothing suspicious going on. I will get the results from my doctor the following week. If I get the all-clear, then I can begin preparing for reconstruction (which is another significant surgery with follow-up surgeries) in July/August.

This storm...this part of my journey...is helping to refine me into who I am meant to be. I feel like it is echoed in every sign I make, and every house renovation that we work on. A broken and weathered piece of wood or cabinetry is transformed into something new. Something beautiful. Something redeemed.

James 1:2 - Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

Above is a recent sign I made for someone who works closely with all breast cancer patients in Saint John. I am thankful and grateful for those God has placed in my path.

"Blessed Is The One Who Trusts In The Lord"

The past few months have been crazy with sign-painting, house-fixing, and taking care of kids, so I have been on a little bit of a 'break' from writing. Tonight, Darren and I will continue a tradition that we began three years ago, and read to each other our 'blessings' we have recorded and placed in a jar over the past year. It is a time of reflection and thankfulness, of rejoicing and remembering, and also a time of expectation for what God has planned for us in the year ahead.

It is probably an understatement to say that a lot happened in 2014 for us:

- Luella Marie was  born on January 3rd

- I ended up with a hematoma from the c-section that lasted 6 months - my mom stayed at my sister's/lived on my couch for over a month to help.

- We became landlords in February and rented out our home in Sydney until the real estate market is better to sell (we had nightmare renters at first, but now have great tenants)

- We resigned from KV and have volunteered on staff at River Valley in Grand Bay. This event somewhat got lost in the craziness of my health in the summer, and some people have not realized that we made this move. While we enjoyed our time at KV and felt blessed to work alongside the staff and leadership there, we knew when God told us that we had finished what He called us to do at KV East and we needed to follow and trust Him. We began looking for a house to buy where we felt led - in the Grand Bay/Martinon area.

- I began to blog again

- I was Diagnosed with DCIS breast cancer in July

- We Bought a house in Martinon (Saint John West) in August - needs a lot of work

- I had Mastectomy surgery in August - again, my mom lived on my couch for a few weeks to help.

- I received the 'all-clear' report from the oncologist in September, and it was recommended that I have no further treatment.

- I Decided not to return to work after Mat leave

- I Started my new 'business' - Mug Half Full Designs, and attended my first three craft shows

- We Spent Christmas in Halifax with my parents.

It was a crazy year, but it wasn't the worst year of my life. Don't get me wrong, though - there were many sleepless nights, exhausted arguments, colds and sickness, and much crying from everyone. Our faith and family were stretched and tested, but God helped us to become stronger because of it.  However, I am looking forward to 2015 - starting new. Starting fresh. Seeing what He has in store.

Health Wise - I have an MRI in January to check the right side and make sure everything is all clear. There are a few oncology check-ups here and there, and genetic testing in Halifax sometime in my future, as well as some physiotherapy appointments, but as long as my MRI is clear, then all is good. Reconstruction is planned for the summer, where they will be using a combination of muscle from the back of my shoulder along with an implant to rebuild that side of me. In order to do well with more surgery, I need to get healthier. So, we have invested in a (used) treadmill, and bought a juicer and a Ninja Blender (for smoothies). Darren is on board with being healthier as well, which will help motivate me.

Darren's business is continuing to expand and grow, which is good since I am not returning to work. Pretty sure this will be quite a financial balancing act for us with our budget. Our house, which needs some loving, will see some more work done, too. I am determined to get our household scheduled and organized in the weeks, and I am committed to being frugal in our spending and sticking to our budget, planning and cooking more home cooked meals, and couponing more.

My 'business' of sign painting has exceeded my expectations. We are planning to register it as a business and hopefully set up a website. While it is a small source of income for us, I find that it is also therapeutic for me and I enjoy it a lot! I already have orders to complete in the new year.

Our involvement with our church family here at River Valley is going to deepen this year as well. We are beginning a Small Church/Home Group at our house next week, and we are excited about working with the leadership and people at RVWC, and making an impact for the Kingdom. We're looking forward to being used by God, loving on people, and helping them deepen their relationship with Him.

I think beyond a doubt, I'm looking forward to focusing on our little family the most - Looking forward to settling in one spot, and to our kids making lifelong friends. Looking forward to being closer to and spending more time with family. I feel like I've missed a lot of my kids and my husband this past year, and I want to take advantage of this time given. I feel very blessed to be where I am, and with who I am with. I am in awe of the faithfulness of my husband and family to support me, and the faithfulness of my God to sustain me through everything.

7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:7-8

A New Appreciation

I'm facing a new season in my life now. My recovery has been going really well, and I have even joined a program at the YMCA for those who have undergone breast surgery that is supervised by my physiotherapist and breast-health nurse.  We have gotten back into the swing of working on home renovations and improvement. Luella is sleeping a bit better and we no longer need to swaddle her for naps or bedtime (yay!), and potty training Jaelyn is just around the corner. We are also eager to get more invovled in our church and community.

I have additionally realized that for the first time since we've been married (almost 16 years!) I am no longer a bi-vocational Pastor, in that I no longer hold a 'secular' job since I have resigned from my position at the store. I still haven't fully stepped into a 'Pastor' role at the church, either, since I have been recovering from surgery (but I'm sure that will come sooner rather than later...). I have, however, entered the realm of  'Work-at-home-Mom' and have started my own business, so to speak, making signs and decor out of up-cycled material. I have always loved painting and creating things, and I wanted to test the waters of doing this before my Maternity Leave is fully up. I will probably have to do something else as well to help supplement the income I have lost, but I have to say that I have been enjoying myself so much! The response from friends, family and the community has also been incredible :) if you'd like to check out my Facebook page, go here: Mug Half Full Deigns

I have also discovered that trying to start a business is hard work when you have two kids under three! I think through all of this, I have realized how important it is to support those Moms who stay at home with their kids, and who also run a business - whether it is something they make, or it is something they sell, or if it is a business they do out of their own homes.

I have come to the conclusion that, as much as possible, I want the presents that I personally get my girls for Birthdays and Christmas to be from Work-At-Home-Moms, from local small businesses, and even used items from Facebook groups or my favourite used store. My girls don't need the newest toys that are out there,  and I want them to grow up without a sense of entitlement, and with an attitude of Thanksgiving. I believe that this is a good first step. It also helps to support those Moms who are working so hard. I also know how hard moms work who have out of the home jobs, and how saving money is important. Over the next weeks I'll be posting about some of my used findings, and some of the businesses I love to support...maybe it will inspire others to do the same :)

Here are some pics from my first craft sale: