The Real Me

I have never shared a picture like this before.

This. This is what I actually look like on a daily basis. Most people I run into during my week have no idea of the disease I have been fighting. I wear a prosthesis every day, so my injury is invisible...except to me.  My prosthesis is really only a short-term solution. With my sensitive skin, a silicone prosthesis would be painful. Without any prosthesis, I experience back and shoulder pain, and with my long-term leg and back issues, it would cause many issues.

Many women suffer in silence. Many don't know their options. Many feel less than 'whole'. Many are embarrassed (especially if they have only had a mastectomy on one side). Many feel they have put their family through enough stress, without adding more surgeries and procedures on top of everything. Many don't want it to be viewed as vanity.

This is why I am sharing my picture. To make it real.

My value does not come from my looks. I am a Child of God - I am His, and I don't doubt that. But, if I walked around like this, I would be defined by my struggle.

Today is Breast Reconstruction Awareness (BRA Day). My surgery is in two days. THIS part of the journey is for me, and is the right choice. 

If you know someone dealing with the aftermath of mastectomy, tell them about www.bra-day.com and help them to be informed f their options.

I attended last year, and it helped me along my journey. 

Above all, pray for them, encourage them, support them, and let them know that they are worth it.

Here We Go Again

Sometimes I feel guilty abut having this surgery.

Today, while I was waiting for Jaleyn to come back from her walk at Preschool, I let the director know that I was having surgery in a few days, and that it may have an effect on Jaelyn's behaviour, as I won't be able to interact with her as much as I normally do for a while. As the words came out of my mouth, my heart sunk a little, and I held Luella a little tighter.

I have had two previous surgeries, which I had no choice but to have, and both of them resulted in me being unable to lift and hug my children for a period  time....and now I am about to do it again. But, this surgery is not one that is forced on me. I sometimes feel like I am choosing to be unable to care for my children for a time,  and that sometimes causes me to doubt my choice. 

But then I remember what I have been through, and how far God has brought me, and that this stage of my recovery - this surgery - was part of the initial plan. It's why I had a skin-sparing mastectomy in the first place...so that later, when I was ready, I could have reconstruction. This surgery is going to help me have better balance, and hopefully avoid further back injuries. This surgery will allow me to keep up with my kids without the worry of prosthesis issues. But that doesn't make this easy.

I don't have a fear about what is going to happen that keeps me awake at night. But that doesn't mean that I don't get scared. I don't like surgery, or hospitals, or needles...or the dentist, if we are going that far. I will probably be a lovely shade of pale when they wheel me into the OR...but I still trust God completely.

On that note, I need to Praise God that my MRI results came back as 'unchanged', meaning nothing suspicius or suspected. I will have anther MRI in one year just as a follow-up, but that part of my journey is over!!!  

Some of you may be wondering how my diet went - i was able to do the first two weeks of the 21 day fix, but then Jaelyn decided to share the germs she picked up at Preschool, and it has pretty much knocked me on my butt for the past month. I did, however, lose weight in the two weeks, and will definitely be trying it again once I get the green light for exercise after surgery. The best part of the 'diet' was that I wasn't hungry, and I could have a decent cup of coffee with coconut milk and Truvia.

I have lost about 25+ pounds since my surgery last summer, and have pretty much hit my initial target weight for this surgery. I know there is more to lose, and sometimes I don't really see a huge difference, but I thought I'd add a picture of then and now to compare.

Please keep me in your prayers as Friday comes closer - I am still getting over a sinus cold that just won't go away (I'm on antibiotics in case it was an infection), and I have been dealing with a pretty bad tension headache this past week (most likely from clenchng my teeth and jaw while waiting for MRI results) and it has affected my sleep, which in turn makes me feel sicker (that whole scratchy throat from no sleep thing). The surgery is a go unless I have an infection or fever, and I don't have signs of either, but I would still like to go into it feeling my best.

I go in this Friday, October 23 at 7:15AM and my surgery is scheduled for 9 AM. If you follow Darren and I on Facebook, he will post updates.

***Side Note: If you know someone who is facing breast reconstruction choices, I highly recmmend attending the BRA day events (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) tomorrow night at the Saint John Regional. If you are not from here, there should be events happening where you are. I attended it last year, and it helped me greatly. It's also where I met my plastic surgeon.

Thank you all again for your continued encouragement, prayers and support. It means so much to me and my family!