This is the bracelet they place on all patients who go to Oncology for any reason at the Saint John Regional. I have had it placed on my arm twice. Today, after I received the news that my pathology report came back 'clear', that there was no invasive cancer and they didn't suggest any more treatment, I kept the bracelet on for the rest of the day.
It reminded me of what I have been saved from.
I don't know how long this DCIS cancer has been in my body. From my understanding, it can be hard to detect, and if you have dense tissue it doesn't easily show up on mammograms and ultrasounds. My concern began when I was breastfeeding my newborn, and I ended up with mastitis (infection of the milk ducts), and some of the hard tissue never went away after the antibiotics were done, which in itself is not completely abnormal. Would this have been found if I wasn't breastfeeding? If I didn't get mastitis, would I even have gone to the doctor? Would I have developed a cyst that caused a discharge if I didn't have mastitis? So many questions. There is no way to know which cases of DCIS can turn into invasive cancer, and which will just stay as they are. I cannot help but think, and laugh, that breastfeeding my child may have had a hand in saving my life (and those who know me well, know that I don't often talk out loud about something so personal to me).
God definitely works in mysterious ways.
The bracelet also reminds me of what I am saved for. I still have a family to love, and God still has a calling on my life. I also still have a long road ahead of me, but I can't help but get excited to see how Jesus will use this time in my life to reach people for Him. Don't get me wrong, this will not be an easy road.
Not only are mastectomies usually day-surgery (I was only kept overnight because of my blood pressure), but they only give you Tylenol and Advil for pain. I thought that was crazy, but two weeks after my surgery, I am no longer taking pain medication. I still have a surgical drain stitched into me, which is quite annoying because I can't take regular baths or showers. I need to have some help when I bathe, and Darren helps me wash my hair in the sink. I have three incision areas (one from the mastectomy incisions, one from the lymph node biopsy, and one for the drain) which are healing, and most of the swelling has gone down, but I still get uncomfortable. I have a hard time getting comfortable to sleep. I have physiotherapy sessions to go to, walking logs to keep (did you know that walking and exercise help cut reoccurrence by 50%), and I need to get my weight down for optimum health.
Skin sparing mastectomies are also not very pretty. I knew what to expect, and therefore wasn't shocked by it, but I do feel like it's noticeable when I go out and I feel the need to just 'blend in'. My wardrobe will need to change for the next little while so the 'hollowness' on one side doesn't freak people out (I'm glad scarves are in fashion). When the doctor gives me the go ahead, I need to get fitted for a prosthesis as well for the next little while. I also have an MRI to look forward to in 6 months on the right side, and then, hopefully, it will be all clear for reconstruction to begin. This would mean more surgery, and recovery, and decisions about what type of reconstruction is best. More pain, more healing.
I know I have all of this ahead of me, but I also know how very blessed I am. I have friends, dear friends, who are still in the midst of their battle with this disease, and who are fighting for their lives still. I know that at least for now, I will be able to see my girls grow, my relationship with my husband deepen, and my ministry opportunities take me to places that are new and unexpected.
So after wearing it all day, I cut off my 'cancer' hospital bracelet. The diagnosis, surgery, and pathology report still all feel a little surreal to me. 3 months from first exam to diagnosis. 2 months of tests and biopsies, ultimately ending in a fairly serious surgery. 2 weeks of waiting to see the full report of what is actually happening to me...and now, that part of the journey is over.
A wise and Godly person, who has gone through this battle themselves, reminded me on the day I received my diagnosis that my days were numbered by the Almighty, and He determines when He calls me home. My thoughts automatically raced to the end...to death, in the first few moments of hearing the word cancer. But it was just the beginning of my journey, and He is not finished with me yet. No matter how long this journey of my life is, I am grateful that He is with me every step of the way.
"You have decided the length of our lives.
You know how many months we will live,
and we are not given a minute longer."
Job 14:5
