A Season Of Hope

It's been just over 5 weeks since my surgery, and I am amazed at how great I feel. My front and back incisions are healed, with only the minor annoyance of itching (a sign of further healing and nerves working), I have completed my second, and last, fill appointment in my expander (which will be replaced by an implant during the next surgery), and I only have one more appointment scheduled during the next month with the plastic surgeon to finalize details. I am back to lifting and hugging my kids. I actually stopped taking pain medication of any kind only a couple weeks after, and other than sometimes waking up a little stiff and sore, things are pretty much normal.  I still have to limit how much I can carry for longer distances, and my range-of-motion in my shoulder isn't completely back, but it is almost there.

I also think I am the most prepared that I have ever been for the Christmas Season. Many of the presents I need to get have already been ordered or purchased...or I at least know what I am getting. My house is all decorated, except for finishing the tree with the kids this week. I even have our Christmas cards ordered, printed, and done, and ready for some to be labelled and mailed out in the next couple of days. How did I get everything done with everything I was dealing with? I planned ahead...I knew I would need to eliminate some things in order to relieve stress and heal. I put my sign-making business on hold during the busiest time of the year. I said "no" to all craft sales this season, and while I will miss the extra income, it was the right decision. Our family needed to get back to some kind of 'normal', and I wanted to be able to spend quality time with my kids, which meant focusing on recovery over the past month. I'm still making a few signs here and there, but I am determined to allow this next month to be fun and memorable for all of my family.

The season of Advent - one of my favourite times of the year - is a time of preparation, of anticipation, and of hope. It's not about being stressed about perfect decorations, presents, and going into financial debt. It's about celebrating the Advent of Christ - waiting in anticipation to celebrate that He came to earth for us. 

One of my huge pet peeves about Christmas  commercialism and  marketing is that it's almost impossible to get an Advent calendar that is actually celebrating the Advent of the Messiah. You want a play-doh, Spiderman or Elsa Advent calendar? Those are all readily available at every store. Don't get me wrong, those are all good fun and I like chocolate as much as the next person, but I really wanted to be able to teach my kids about Advent in a way that their almost 2 and 4 year old minds could understand. So, after scouring Pinterest, I decided to make a nativity scene where we could add one piece each day during the days of December leading up to Christmas (next year, I will probably adapt it to take place right at the very beginning of Advent, which started yesterday). I don't sew...at all...so it needed to be something I could just cut and glue together. I found a great pattern here: http://cutesycrafts.com/2010/12/nativity-advent.html , and just skipped the stitching around the edges of the pieces of felt. I also used some sticky velcro pieces on the back of each item so it can stay on the felt board more easily. For the felt board, I found a used bulletin board at the Habitat Restore for $2, and I used spray adhesive to cover it in felt (I tried flannel at first, but felt sticks much better).

I then wanted to find some Advent readings/lessons for little kids, so we could read a story each day, put the piece on the flannel board, and pray a short prayer. It starts with an empty stable and it ends with baby Jesus...and I want the anticipation and excitement to build as they add each new piece. It took me a while, but I found someone who had written readings for very young kids and had them available on their blog. You can find it here: https://partofthemain.wordpress.com/advent-readings-2011/ I had to adapt it some for the pieces I had already made, and also because my kids are very young, but I think it will work great. It also would work well if you already have an existing nativity toy set. I did have to combine some of my felt pieces I had made, and make an extra one of a dove (not pictured - but I just copied a simple clip art shape) to add to it to make it work, but I am really happy with the finished product, and the fact that it only cost me $12 to make. Plus, I have enough felt to make 'felt stories' for the girls to put in their stocking (search it on Pinterest...they really are a lot of fun!) Avon has a great Advent stocking garland that I purchased to put each story in (each little stocking is numbered 1-24), mostly because I didn't really have time or energy to make my own calendar. You can find my Advent readings here:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6zds0ybrc1vUlc5ZXdQZVJDdnc/view?usp=sharing

I am really looking forward to beginning the calendar tomorrow with the girls. I know there will be days where I am tired, or exhausted, and may not want to put energy in to focus on these kind of details, but it is important. It's important for me to find my own time to reflect in God's Word myself, too...teaching my kids by example.

Christmas always seems to take so much preparation, and then the celebrating seems to go by so fast. I know all too well that when you are faced with life-altering circumstances, what once seemed important to you pales in comparison to what really is. I have a lot of things I am anticipating in the next year - another surgery just a few months away, possible revision procedures, and the hope that the worst is behind me. Some of my dear friends are facing greater obstacles. Some of you are so stressed out this time of year, trying to keep up with everything, that you feel like you are drowning.

This year, I encourage you to slow down, prepare your hearts, anticipate with hope the coming of the Christ Child. Celebrate that He came, and anticipate with hope that He is coming again. As the Christmas carol 'Joy To The World' says - "Let every heart prepare Him room".

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
    and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
    more than watchmen wait for the morning,
    more than watchmen wait for the morning."

          Psalm 130:5-6

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel!

The Real Me

I have never shared a picture like this before.

This. This is what I actually look like on a daily basis. Most people I run into during my week have no idea of the disease I have been fighting. I wear a prosthesis every day, so my injury is invisible...except to me.  My prosthesis is really only a short-term solution. With my sensitive skin, a silicone prosthesis would be painful. Without any prosthesis, I experience back and shoulder pain, and with my long-term leg and back issues, it would cause many issues.

Many women suffer in silence. Many don't know their options. Many feel less than 'whole'. Many are embarrassed (especially if they have only had a mastectomy on one side). Many feel they have put their family through enough stress, without adding more surgeries and procedures on top of everything. Many don't want it to be viewed as vanity.

This is why I am sharing my picture. To make it real.

My value does not come from my looks. I am a Child of God - I am His, and I don't doubt that. But, if I walked around like this, I would be defined by my struggle.

Today is Breast Reconstruction Awareness (BRA Day). My surgery is in two days. THIS part of the journey is for me, and is the right choice. 

If you know someone dealing with the aftermath of mastectomy, tell them about www.bra-day.com and help them to be informed f their options.

I attended last year, and it helped me along my journey. 

Above all, pray for them, encourage them, support them, and let them know that they are worth it.

Here We Go Again

Sometimes I feel guilty abut having this surgery.

Today, while I was waiting for Jaleyn to come back from her walk at Preschool, I let the director know that I was having surgery in a few days, and that it may have an effect on Jaelyn's behaviour, as I won't be able to interact with her as much as I normally do for a while. As the words came out of my mouth, my heart sunk a little, and I held Luella a little tighter.

I have had two previous surgeries, which I had no choice but to have, and both of them resulted in me being unable to lift and hug my children for a period  time....and now I am about to do it again. But, this surgery is not one that is forced on me. I sometimes feel like I am choosing to be unable to care for my children for a time,  and that sometimes causes me to doubt my choice. 

But then I remember what I have been through, and how far God has brought me, and that this stage of my recovery - this surgery - was part of the initial plan. It's why I had a skin-sparing mastectomy in the first place...so that later, when I was ready, I could have reconstruction. This surgery is going to help me have better balance, and hopefully avoid further back injuries. This surgery will allow me to keep up with my kids without the worry of prosthesis issues. But that doesn't make this easy.

I don't have a fear about what is going to happen that keeps me awake at night. But that doesn't mean that I don't get scared. I don't like surgery, or hospitals, or needles...or the dentist, if we are going that far. I will probably be a lovely shade of pale when they wheel me into the OR...but I still trust God completely.

On that note, I need to Praise God that my MRI results came back as 'unchanged', meaning nothing suspicius or suspected. I will have anther MRI in one year just as a follow-up, but that part of my journey is over!!!  

Some of you may be wondering how my diet went - i was able to do the first two weeks of the 21 day fix, but then Jaelyn decided to share the germs she picked up at Preschool, and it has pretty much knocked me on my butt for the past month. I did, however, lose weight in the two weeks, and will definitely be trying it again once I get the green light for exercise after surgery. The best part of the 'diet' was that I wasn't hungry, and I could have a decent cup of coffee with coconut milk and Truvia.

I have lost about 25+ pounds since my surgery last summer, and have pretty much hit my initial target weight for this surgery. I know there is more to lose, and sometimes I don't really see a huge difference, but I thought I'd add a picture of then and now to compare.

Please keep me in your prayers as Friday comes closer - I am still getting over a sinus cold that just won't go away (I'm on antibiotics in case it was an infection), and I have been dealing with a pretty bad tension headache this past week (most likely from clenchng my teeth and jaw while waiting for MRI results) and it has affected my sleep, which in turn makes me feel sicker (that whole scratchy throat from no sleep thing). The surgery is a go unless I have an infection or fever, and I don't have signs of either, but I would still like to go into it feeling my best.

I go in this Friday, October 23 at 7:15AM and my surgery is scheduled for 9 AM. If you follow Darren and I on Facebook, he will post updates.

***Side Note: If you know someone who is facing breast reconstruction choices, I highly recmmend attending the BRA day events (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) tomorrow night at the Saint John Regional. If you are not from here, there should be events happening where you are. I attended it last year, and it helped me greatly. It's also where I met my plastic surgeon.

Thank you all again for your continued encouragement, prayers and support. It means so much to me and my family!

The Last Hurrah

Well, it's almost here. In just a little over a month, I will be undergoing reconstruction surgery, and again recovering. My follow-up MRI for my right side will happen just a week or so before. My next oncology check-up isn't until March. And, Lord willing, even after my reconstruction follow-up procedures, all of this will soon be far behind me.

It's time for my 'Last Hurrah'...my last effort, last sprint, to get fit and healthy before I start the recovery process again, and I want to give it my best shot. I've looked into a lot of weight-loss 'programs' that friends and family are using, and they have experienced great results. My sister has lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time and looks fantastic. Other friends have discussed with me what has worked for them.

But there are three glaring things with most of the programs that just won't work for me:

1. The cost - many of these programs cost hundreds of dollars a month. We have gone from a double-income family to a single income, and a self-employed income at that. I can't spend hundreds on a program, and still have to buy food for myself and my family.

2. The chemicals - many of these programs require you to consume their pre-packaged product and/or supplements. My body doesn't tend to like those things, as I have had adverse reactions to overly-chemical, or even natural-based supplements. 

3. The exercise - with some programs, I wouldn't be able to exercise because the amount of calories I need to consume is too low...they even tell you not to break a sweat. I NEED to do at least 3-5 hours of cardio a week to help keep cancer at bay. Other programs have exercises that are too intense for me, even as far as I have come.

So, what do I do? I need motivation (I am not a 'natural' healty-eater, exercise person), and while juicing has helped me greatly, I also need to build up my protein and iron levels before surgery, so that scary words like 'transfusion' aren't thrown around again.

Then I came across The 21 Day Fix...a portion controlled program where exercises are essential. The problem? It was costly and the exercises were too intense for now. So I have taken the principles and meal portion measurements, and infused my own exercises for the next 21 days. Clean eating, increased protein, and requred exercise...everything I need to get ready.

I've lost 20 pounds since my surgery last year, very slowly and painfully. I'd like to lose 10 more in the next three weeks. It's a very lofty goal, but I will keep you posted. So far, I've had to make my own salsa, coffee creamer, salad dressings, and spice mixtures for meat. It has cost some money up-front for containers and pantry items I didn't have, but now I have them. I believe that by doing this, I can incorporate many of the principles into not only my lifestyle, but my family's. If you're curious to where I get my ideas from, check out my board on Pinterest - 21 Day fix DIY:

https://www.pinterest.com/janelmarieclark/21-day-fix-diy/

All of this is happening during a nation-wide focus on 40 Days of prayer & fasting for revival, which started yesterday, and ends the day before my surgery...this isn't lost on me. The next three weeks will be a time for me to get even more fit and healthy, but also a time for me to focus on my relatiship with God and pray for revival in our city...an awakening to our need for Jesus. I'll be cutting out (fasting) my social media use in the evenings for prayer, but also to focus more on family, and doing a last big push to make as many signs for my business as I can.

It's going to be a wild ride :)

DIY Silver Cleaner and Glass Cleaner (Pinterest Pins I've Actually Done)

I've been really interested lately in making my own household cleaners...partially because of the cost, and partially because I'd like to use less chemicals in the house. Here are the latest I have tried:

DIY SILVER POLISH:

I found this solution on Pinterest here:http://creeklinehouse.com/2015/01/clean-really-tarnished-silver-naturally.html

  I had 'acquired' some of my parent's wedding silver when I found them at my sister's house getting ready for a yard sale years and years ago. (Meaning I took them lol) I can't blame her much for getting rid of them...I hadn't really used or displayed them until now, but I am a sucker for pieces of history in my family, and I couldn't part with them.

I finally found a perfect use for them and a beautiful way to display them - I needed trays for the top of two wire shelves in my bathroom so I could set things on them without falling over. The little feet on them helped to give them stability so I didn't need anything to attach them, but they were quite tarnished from years of neglect.

I followed the pin's instructions: lined my sink with aluminum foil, put the silver in, sprinkled 1 cup of baking soda on top and covered in boiling water (note: I did leave it in the sink for a 1/2 hour, as the tarnish was bad). After the 1/2 hour, I removed the pieces and rubbed with a soft cloth. What a difference! I will probably need to do it again to get all the tarnish off, but they came out beautifu...I even tried it on some other metal pieces I had in the bathroom which weren't silver but did have that green metal tarnish on them...they cleaned up nicely.

DIY GLASS CLEANER

I have just started using this, so I haven't seen it's full effects, but it seems to work great! I found the pin here: http://wholenewmom.com/whole-new-budget/homemade-glass-cleaner-glass-cleaner-recipe/

The ingredients are 1/4 cup of vinegar and rubbing alcohol, 2 cups of water, 1 tbsp of cornstarch and some essential oil for scent. I used peppermint because I love the scent, and it's the only essential oil I have. Peppermint makes everything smell fresh! The only problem I am finding is the 'lint' from the paper towel I am using to clean doesn't always come off. Anyone have a better alternative?

Ready For The Next Step

Well, the date has finally been set. On Friday, October 23rd at 8 am, I will be having reconstruction surgery on my left side. It is somewhat of a major surgery (6 hours), and will use some of the muscle and tissue from my back under the left shoulder, along with an implant, to rebuild that side. It will also take multiple procedures: one to move the tissue and muscle as well as put in an expander, another (or two, or three) to expand, and a final one to place the implant as well as reduce the size on my right.

I've been asked by some people if this is necessary surgery, or just something I'd like done. The answer is 'yes' to both...I can feel my left shoulder turning in some and my back twisting a bit when I am not wearing my prosthesis, and, quite frankly, I find that it's hard to keep up with my kids sometimes when I am worrying about prosthesis placement while running around with them and especially when we're swimming...and I want to be able to keep up with them. Do I really want more surgery? No. But I believe this surgery will help improve my quality of life and my overall health.

Recovery is about 3 weeks (I think) for the initial surgery, as long as everything goes well. Waiting until this date also gives time for me to have my follow-up MRI on my right side in October. Not to mention that I will be able to lose a little bit more weight between now and then :)

So, for now I will continue to eat healthy, exercise and build up my strength, while soaking in all the time I can with my little girls and husband. It's been almost a year since my last surgery...I'm ready for this!

DIY Bathroom Cabinet

I think this has been one of my favourite projects so far!

We deperately needed storage in our bathroom, but I find store-bought cabinets for the bathroom to be really expensive. I had seen wooden-drawer shelf ideas on Pinterest, and one day while I was shopping at the Habitat for Humanity Restore, I saw a great wooden drawer and thought, why not make a cabinet out of one? So, I bought the drawer for $5, and when I went home I searched through my old cabinet door stock and found one that was a little bit shorter than the height, and 1-2" shorter than the width.

I removed the hinges from the door and handles from the drawer, and used wood filler to fill the holes. My husband cut some wood we had for shelves, and cut the trim to fit around the opening. he attached them to the wooden drawer with a nail gun (I really need to learn to use the power tools!)

I sanded everything down, put on a coat of primer, and then a couple coats of white paint (I think we used eggshell finish). 

I had been looking at different designs for the phrase "Wake Up And Be Awesome", and figured out one I liked, and painted it on the cabinet door, finishing it of with a coat of clear satin finish spraypaint.

We reused the original hinges on the door to attach it, and used an extra knob we had that matched. Darren attached it to the wall in our bathroom with screws (It took us a couple tries to find the studs in our walls). I'm sooooo happy with how it turned out, and hope that this gives some of you some inspiration on how to make your own :)

Transformed

The signs I make aren't perfect. In fact, they all have flaws in some way another...and with two kids under three underfoot while I'm painting, I'm amazed there aren't more. These 'flaws' used to bother me, but now I've come to embrace them (I've even put a disclaimer on my Facebook Page that my signs are 'perfectly imperfect'). Many people in the sign business use vinyl cutouts and stencils to make their signs perfect, and while I use some stencils to sketch out a lot of my signs, I think using vinyl and painting through stencils would take the fun out of it for me, and would remove a lot of the character from the pieces that hand-painting brings. More than anything, I love how they have been transformed from old, ugly, discarded doors and wood, into positive pieces of art that bring me joy to paint, and are even enjoyed by others. I realize that only using repurposed and reclaimed materials to paint on can limit my options, and sometimes I'm unable to do requests from customers because I don't have the supplies, but it's the transformation that happens with every piece that speaks to me every single time. 

I also see them as an expression of my journey. Next week will mark one year since  I heard the words "You have cancer." I can't believe the changes that have happened since then. Even today, my youngest turns 18 months old - a year and a half! And obviously I've gone through a physical transformation myself, and the mastectomy has most definitely left me flawed. Scarred. Disfigured. While my journey has been in some ways horrifying, I love how God has used it, and has continued to use my journey and me to help others who are facing it themselves. I have been made 'perfectly imperfect', to share God's love and peace with others. Most of my transformation is not visible to others, though - it's below the surface...my faith, peace and joy in the Spirit have all been strengthened stronger than they were before this part of my journey started.

I know some have wondered why I chose the name 'Mug Half Full' for my blog and business. It was taken somewhat from my love of coffee, and a play on the phrase 'glass half full'. But, it was also from a desire placed in my heart about three years ago to see the positive and beautiful in the broken and discarded - whether that was an old house or random material - and to help transform it. I also wanted to see God transform broken and discarded people, and to be used to help any way He saw fit. That's when I began to blog. I never dreamed then where this journey would take me, and when I started making signs after my recovery from surgery, I knew 'Mug Half Full Designs' needed to be the name. 

This coming week I have the privilege to have my signs available at Beulah Camp, and while I did not grow up attending the camp there, it was the place of some pivotal moments in my life where God transformed me...and He still continues to do so. I'm looking forward to a fun week with my girls and family, and catching up with some people I haven't seen in a while, and hearing stories about God's transforming power in their own lives.

Most of what I paint is straight from Scripture, or from songs that speak Truth to me. I'm forced to meditate and think on the words with every sign, and I love it. God's word is transforming, and it's my prayer that my signs help to speak those transforming truths into people's homes and lives.

I'm looking forward to being transformed more and more into the person He created me to be :)

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit

2 Corinthians 3:17-1 (NIV)

Praising, Potty training, Preaching, & Planning

I know, it's been a while. I seem to say that a lot, but sometimes life takes over, and sometimes you need to just 'be' without telling everything to the world. But I'm back now, and excited to share what has been going on.

Two days after my 'complicated biopsy' on my right side, I met with my oncologist, and she gave me these wonderful words...again: "no cancer". Just fibrosis and fat cells, haha (never thought I'd be happy about fibrosis and fat, but I am). I am so thankful to God for these results, and for those who have been continually praying for me and my family! I didn't know how relieved I would be to hear that until I did. I had come to terms that I would be having surgery either way: reconstruction, or lumpectomy/mastectomy again...but having the knowledge that there are no signs of that disease lurking in me is a comfort. My surgeon scheduled me for another MRI in October just to follow up again, on the recommendation of the radiologist, because it isn't typical for fat and fibrosis to show up during MRI's with the dye they use (not abnormal, just not typical) so they want to be sure...again. At least I know I am well looked after my the medical field :) 

I've also been potty training my 3-year old, which has been an adventure in itself. It's mostly a battle of the wills, as she know how to 'go' on the potty...we just have to wear her down now, haha. We have good days and bad days with this, but we are definitely moving forward.

On Mother's Day, I had the opportunity to share with my church family what God has been teaching me throughout the past number of years. Rather than writing out the highlights on here, I'll just post the link for the podcast: http://rvwc.podbean.com (May 10th - "Living With Great Joy and Expectation". Have a listen if you want :)

Reconstruction is still a "go" for the end of this summer. I am just waiting to hear from the doctor after the first of July to set up our next consultation. You may be wondering how the weight loss is going. It's going slowly. Very. Slowly. I'm still juicing some, watching my calories, and trying to up my exercise. I've decided that to get more motivated about this, I need a scale that is actually accurate, so we are going to come into the new age of technology and upgrade to digital. Hopefully that will take the guesswork out of where I am at on this whole journey. There is still time, but I need to kick it up a notch (and perhaps cut back on ice cream, haha)

I've been kept super busy with my signs, which is the main reason I haven't been blogging lately. So many customer orders! I'll need to put a hold on taking orders soon, as I will be having some of my signs at Beulah Camp in the Storehouse this year, and I'm very excited about that! Darren and I have also been working on the house here and there, and will be posting pictures soon on here. I also have some fun decor projects I'm excited to share!

One of the things I'm most excited about coming up in the next couple months, is a getaway with my sister to Moncton for a few days. We'll have spa time, go shopping, watch movies and just relax...with no kids. I am soooo looking forward to that, especially with more surgery looming for me shortly after.

So that's what's been going on with me. The next few months are sure to be busy, but i have a feeling there's going to be some great things to write about :)

How Are You Feeling?

I find I get asked that question a lot lately, especially from those who I haven't seen or talked to in a while. "How are you feeling?"

Truth be told, when it come to this disease that is/was in my body, I have always felt fine. There is no pain or really any symptoms associated with it. Yes, when I go through testing and biopsies I sometimes experience pain and uncomfortableness, and when I was recovering from surgery it was painful, and I was more tired than usual, and more susceptible to viruses...but I have since recovered. It truly is an 'invisible' disease I am fighting, and if I was not told I had it, it may have been quite a while before I realized it.

Most pain and sickness that is associated with cancer comes from the side-effects of chemo, radiation and pills that are taken as treatment. I have not needed any of these.  I hesitate to say that I feel 'blessed' that I have been spared from these treatments, as there are many dear people I know that are enduring these treatments right now with dignity and grace. My treatment has been surgery, and there still will most likely be more to come.

How am I feeling? I am feeling thankful. When you do see me, I will probably look tired. That is because of life. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my little girls, who completely exhaust me...because they are little girls. The littlest one is teething, going through growth spurts, climbing, and is into everything - All. The. Time. The three year old is trying to potty-train, give up soothers, is becoming more independent and is testing her boundaries...daily. I get to spend my days with them, and soak in every moment. I am thankful that I am able to live my life with my husband. Last night we watched Jimmy Fallon lip sync battles and Thank you note segments on you tube and laughed until we cried. I get to do that with him. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to see dear friends in Newfoundland last weekend, which was my first time back in three years. I was able to catch up with loved ones and even see some beautiful scenery. I am thankful that my children have amazing Grandparents who they get to spend time with - they see Darren's parents weekly, and my parents are only a short drive away (we will get to see them this coming weekend) They are all wonderful influences in their lives and it means so much to Darren and I that they are able to be a part of it.

How am I feeling? I am feeling grateful. We've just come through Easter weekend, and I had the opportunity to help lead our church family through the promise of the Messiah during our Christian Seder meal on Good Friday, and we celebrated our risen Saviour yesterday. Jesus conquered death when He rose from the grave. He beat it. It is no longer a threat for those who believe in Him. Even though I do have more tests to be done - the next one being next Wednesday for a complicated biopsy during an MRI - I am not living in anxiety or fear. This life is not the end, and I am more convinced and committed than ever to spending my life doing what God asks of me.

1 Corinthians 15:54-58

54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is your victory?
    O death, where is your sting?"

56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.

When you believe...truly believe...that He is victorious over death, it is amazing how you will no longer be controlled by the fear of it.

Sometimes I can and do feel overwhelmed with things, and my emotions feel closer to the surface than before. Parenting can be hard. Working on strengthening your relationships can be difficult. Renovating an old house costs time and money. Getting my diet and exercise to where they need to be takes commitment. The thought of more surgeries...BIG surgeries...in my future can be discouraging. Owning and running a business can be daunting. Serving God when and where He asks is sometimes tiring. On Sunday, our Lead Pastor said that being people of God means that we "act better than our circumstances." This isn't something we do ourselves. I am not super-woman, and if I was left to myself, I would be a blubbering pool of fear and emotions. This can only be done by surrendering yourself to the daily filling and leading of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who helps me act better than my circumstances. I find I do have less control over my emotions now when in situations where I feel overwhelmed, and that's ok. (I like having control, so this is something new I am learning). I cry more easily, and I sometimes need to get by myself, take a big breath, pray, and regroup my thoughts. This is still a new journey I am on, and I am learning.

So, when you see me or talk to me, don't be afraid to ask me how I'm feeling. I appreciate more than you know that you care, and that you are praying and thinking of me and my family. 

But in case you were wondering, I am feeling fine...more than fine. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am alive, and I am confident in Him.

"Oh death! Where is your sting?

Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
The glory of God has defeated the night!

Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell! Where is your victory?
Oh Church! Come stand in the light!
Our God is not dead, he's alive! he's alive!

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave
Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with him again
Come awake, come awake!
Come and rise up from the grave."

(Song: Christ is Risen - Matt Maher)

Waiting

I hate waiting. I especially hate waiting for results that could be bad. In these times, my life seems to come to a halt. This year has definitely been a journey for us, and God has shown Himself to be faithful through all of it, yet I still hate to wait. I don't want to do anything until I know the next steps.  I feel like that's what I was doing until I could just get through my second MRI. I would tell myself that once that scan was over with, then I could move on, and do things. I would really get into gear with my exercises. I would do more with renos around the house. I would plan more activities with the kids. I would spend more quality time with my husband.

But the scan didn't really give answers, and if anything, it brought more questions. More tests are needed to see if these 'spots' they are tracking on my right side are anything serious. More poking and prodding, and possible biopsies...and I am forced to wait longer. 

A funny thing happens when you decide to do NOTHING but wait. You start to worry. That worry, then leads to fear. I think fear and worry cause more damage than any illness or circumstance you are going through. They rob you of your time, and your joy. They blind you from seeing what is happening RIGHT NOW. You become occupied with "what-ifs".

We had planned to go out to eat as a family and celebrate if/when I received good news. As I met with my doctor, heard his words, and then went out into the hallway - I saw my kids faces. They're young and don't have any concept of what is really going on. They're just excited to be at the hospital (a new place for them), to see new people, and to eat a whole donut for the first time. I knew then that I didn't want to wait anymore, and I wanted to take advantage of every opportunity given to me. So...we went out to eat and celebrated as a family anyway, even in the not knowing. 

So many times in my life I have been 'waiting', and I have allowed my own thoughts to almost paralyze me, where I don't do anything. I let things pile up around me because if I can just get through this next 'thing' then I will be free to do everything else. But, when I wait in worry and fear, I miss the now. I miss the opportunities. I miss the joy. And it says "I don't trust you" to God. Waiting makes us stagnant. Complacent. 

What do you do instead of worrying? You hope. 

Instead of fear? You trust.

He wants to give us His peace, but we need to release our worries and fears to Him in order to receive it. 

These are some promises that I have been reflecting on. I hope they bring some comfort to someone else who is 'waiting':

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." - Hebrews 10:22-24

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." - Ephesians 3:16-19

Yes, we need to wait on Him for His provision and direction, but that doesn't mean we do nothing. Continue on with what you already know He has called you to do. Pastor Dave said on Sunday - if you are waiting on Gods direction, but haven't heard anything specific yet, then go find somebody and love on them. You already know He has called you to do that. 

Pour your life into someone. Take advantage of the moments with your family. Spend time in His Word and listening to His voice. Your circumstances may be out of your control, but what you do with your time is not.

Carpe diem.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy." - Leo Buscaglia

Forgetting

Sometimes I forget that it all happened. That it is happening. That there is still more to come. I am reminded when I dress in the mornings and when I get ready for bed at night about the trauma that has happened to my body and my life. But in-between those times, I sometimes forget and my life is 'normal' again. I am thankful for those times when I can just be with my family, laugh with my kids, and go on 'dates' with my husband. 

Darren and I have been faithful to our 'juicing' adventure. I was juicing breakfast and drinking smoothies for a number of weeks, and have just now entered my second week of juicing both breakfast and lunch. We go to the City Market every Saturday, and a few other places, to get all of the produce we need for the week. Two servings each of four juices...every day. That is a lot of fruit and vegetables!! It can get expensive, but we scope out deals every week and try to keep the expensive produce to a minimum.

So what have been the results?

- We are finally sleeping at night. I have not slept well since I was first pregnant with Jaelyn...which is almost four years of bad sleep. I am finally getting the rest I need and have energy throughout the day.

- I have lost 5-10 pounds

- Darren has lost 25 pounds!

- we are eating healthier, having less sugar, and teaching our kids how to eat better.

- I no longer need any vitamin supplements, which aren't accepted by my body well anyway.

We plan on continuing to juice for a while, and at some point I will do a complete juice fast for a time. If you are interested in some of the recipes that we use, Darren and I have been posting them in a shared album on Facebook.

I've been using my treadmill a couple times a week (need to do more), but have yet to start using my weight exercises. I definitely need to get my motivation back up for this, as I can feel the lack of it, especially on my surgery side. But, I am still determined! I've been kept very busy with my signs and making a lot of customer orders. I am grateful for that. Darren and I have also started working on some more house renovations again and will hopefully have pictures to post in the near future.

I've been able to enjoy these last few months without needing to deal with any recovery, any major appointments, any medical stress. It's been restful and wonderful.

But then I'm forced to face it again...and that is OK. While I don't welcome the stress and pain, I do welcome what God is doing in my life through these circumstances: what He is teaching me, and how my faith is being stretched...and those are things I don't want to forget.

My follow-up MRI is scheduled for next Tuesday. This will check my right side again, to make sure there is nothing suspicious going on. I will get the results from my doctor the following week. If I get the all-clear, then I can begin preparing for reconstruction (which is another significant surgery with follow-up surgeries) in July/August.

This storm...this part of my journey...is helping to refine me into who I am meant to be. I feel like it is echoed in every sign I make, and every house renovation that we work on. A broken and weathered piece of wood or cabinetry is transformed into something new. Something beautiful. Something redeemed.

James 1:2 - Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

Above is a recent sign I made for someone who works closely with all breast cancer patients in Saint John. I am thankful and grateful for those God has placed in my path.