It Is Finished

Today I got my first tattoo.

(probably not where you thought I was going with this post, but stick with me). 

Now, I know tattoos can be a hot-button topic, especially in 'religious' circles: You either love them, or you hate them. They represent artistic expression or rebellion, depending on your upbringing and your life experiences. Personally, I have no real issue with them, and have even recently bought a couple sessions as a gift to my husband who has been patiently waiting years to get some (yes, I know I'm awesome). I've also had lots of ideas in my head about what I wanted my first tattoo to look like, and what it would entail if I ever did decide to get one.

However, I never dreamed ten years ago that I would EVER get the tattoo I got today.

(This post is fairly personal for me, as I am usually very private about these things. However, I've shared about everything else during my surgeries and treatment)

After three years of surgeries and recoveries,  I completed the final stage of my mastectomy and reconstruction journey today with a cosmetic tattoo.   Before 2014, I don't think I even really know that reconstruction tattoos existed. **Fun fact: One of the only bonuses of my reconstruction is that there was no pain from getting the tattoo. It is the most painless procedure I have had so far - the tattooist told me not to get used to that if I was going to get more tattoos haha **

It dawned on me as I booked the appointment, and as the day and time grew closer that I have now reached the end. The final step - that place that seemed so very far off three years ago when I first received my diagnosis was actually here. I had searched around for a while, and finally found the artist who I knew I wanted to do my tattoo. I was so surprised that I could get booked in so quickly, and that she was available when we were visiting my parents for Easter weekend...and on a day when most businesses aren't open. Another reminder of how God has been with me every step of this journey.

I think most everyone is familiar with the breast cancer ribbon (especially in October), but  what you may not know is that there is a breast reconstruction ribbon as well, but it looks a little different. It has two loops because it signifies 'closing the loop on breast cancer'. I know that not all women will choose reconstruction when faced with mastectomy, but I do not regret my decision, and I am so very grateful for the surgeons, and now artist, who have helped me during all of it...and that it is now finished. I pray that even though I have reached 'the end', that God would continue to use me and my story to encourage and lift up other women facing similar circumstances. I am so thankful for those of you who have prayed for and encouraged me.

I don't believe that it was a coincidence that my appointment was booked on Good Friday. And as I repeated the words "it's finished" in my head, I couldn't help but be reminded that those words hold another kind of significance on this day.  This morning during communion I reflected on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross as He bore the sins of the world, and on the last words He spoke before His death. This was the fulfillment of Scripture, and was the reason why He came down to earth. It's a day that we grieve that Jesus had to die, and realize that He did it out of love for us.

John 19:28-30:

"Jesus knew that his mission was now finished, and to fulfill Scripture he said, “I am thirsty.” A jar of sour wine was sitting there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put it on a hyssop branch, and held it up to his lips. When Jesus had tasted it, he said, “It is finished!” Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." 

But it didn't end there. Yes, we grieve, but we also celebrate His resurrection three days later. Death has been defeated, and mankind's relationship with God restored through the sacrifice of His Son. It's Friday, but Sunday's coming!

"It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom"

(From: How Deep The Father's Love For Us - Stuart Townsend)

Selective Memory

Did you know there is an actual term called 'scanxiety'?  Basically, it is the uneasiness or anxiety associated with waiting for the results from scans after you have been treated for cancer.

A little over a week ago, when I was leaning over the side rails on my daughter's bed, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn't think much of it, but the following days the pain was still there, and when I tried to pinpoint exactly where, I felt it...a lump...on my 'good' side. I tried the 'wait and see' approach for a few days, but the nagging 'what if's' in my brain made me call my doctor and set up an appointment.

Scanxiety.

They quickly scheduled me in for the next day, which was the only appointment available for at least the following week. I went in, ever so early in the morning, and sure enough, she felt it too. Normally, my doctor wouldn't be too concerned about a lump like this, and if found in anyone else she'd just monitor it for a while, but considering my history, we decided to put in a request for diagnostic tests.

Scanxiety.

The hospital called me a few days later with the appointment day, time and instructions. Now I just had to wait to go. I think by this time I wasn't engulfed in fear....but I was rationally and logically planning out in my brain what would happen if what they found was something serious.

Scanxiety.

This morning I got up early and got ready before waking the kids, ate my breakfast, hugged my family, and drove out to the hospital. I checked into the diagnostic department, waited for them to call my name, partially undressed in the small stalls, put on a johnny shirt, and seated myself next to others in  another smaller waiting room. We smiled at each other, made small talk, stared at magazines...the notices on the walls...the floors...

My name was called, and I updated my medical history with this particular department. I then had a mammogram of my right side, and also my left armpit...where my sentinel node biopsy had been done during my mastectomy...and I went back to the room and waited.

...and all the while, scanxiety.

Not debilitating, not heart pounding...but present none-the-less. I looked at the faces of the other women waiting in the room - for some, you could tell they were just here for their routine yearly scan, and it was more of an inconvenient hiccup in their daily schedule. A few I could tell it was probably their first time there, mostly because they were young, and the anxiety was in their eyes as they stared  off into nothingness and avoided eye contact with others. Still, I wondered if there was anyone else there with scanxiety.

I hadn't really heard the term scanxiety until recently in one of my Facebook support groups, and when I looked it up online, I came across this:

"People often don't realize there is a difference between general anxiety and scanxiety: For those of us with scanxiety, it's not about what might happen, it's about what did happen. For us, it's not so much about worrying, but remembering."

Some have even associated it with PTSD.

Sometimes my anxieties and fears come to the forefront.  If I allow myself to dwell on it, my fears of the future could be debilitating and the 'what ifs' could paralyze me, making me unable to move forward because of what I have experienced in the past. I am so thankful that God loves me so much to walk with me during those times. That His grace covers me with His peace so I can sleep...and sleep well leading up to my appointments. That even though I may experience some fear, His presence neutralizes them, so they are no longer my focus. It's impossible to remember the past couple of years of my journey without seeing His hand in it...His faithfulness to me. So, while scanxiety may bring me momentary lapses of fear, remembering how He has walked beside me brings me joy and leads me to trust Him further...regardless of the results of the scans.

While I was reading online about scanxiety, I also ran across this quote:

"Our faith increases when we remember God's faithfulness in the past"
(deeper waters.us)

The end of my story? The next step for me was an ultrasound...and the radiologist couldn't find anything. Not that she couldn't find anything of concern...there was no lump there at all. Not in mammogram, on the ultrasound computer screen, not by physical touch. It was gone. Most likely it was fluid, or scar tissue (from my reduction on that side), or just something that fluctuated with my hormones. Miracles come in all forms.

Exhale. Relief. Joy.

Even before the lump was found, Specific words from a newly-learned Bethel Music worship song have been on repeat in my mind. I'm determined to make a sign for myself with them on it:

So let go my soul and trust in Him,
The waves and wind still know His Name.
  (From 'It Is Well')

I guess I wrote all of this to hopefully encourage someone who is finding themselves in the trenches of fear, anxieties, or even a form of scanxiety - Unable to see or move ahead because of the fears of our past - past failures, broken relationships, unmet goals and dreams. You are not alone - remember God's faithfulness, trust Him, and move forward.

Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
    Psalm 103:2