But I'm actually having a hard time with it.
You see, I've finally been able to start sleeping well on my side, to lift and move things, and keep up with my kids...and now I'll have to start all over again: sleeping propped up on my back, having lifting and movement restrictions, being unable to care for my children by myself...again...even if only for a short time. Was it the thought of going through these things again that is draining me of energy? Of not being independent? Maybe.
But I think I have allowed something else to happen.
I've been secretly telling myself that if I can get my life back to the speed I normally went before all of this craziness began, then everything would feel normal. 100% back into caring for the kids and the house, helping with renovations, making my signs so I can contribute to finances, volunteering at the church as much as I'm able.
It has been extremely difficult these past two weeks to get motivated to go through the healing and recovery process for the fourth time in under three years. It's even been difficult to update the blog. I felt like I was doing so great, getting so much done...and then I kind-of hit a wall. I'm not writing this for pity, or fishing for compliments or encouragement. It's just a revelation I have been discovering. And I have also realized that I have been feeling guilty because of it. No matter how strong people tell me I am, and how much I really wan't to do it all, it's just not possible.
I have become all too aware that undergoing multiple surgeries leaves you exhausted. Each one is a major event for your body to cope with. I don't know where I got the idea that the recovery time from surgery is like getting over a cold or flu...that once the main aches and pains were gone, I was to resume life at regular speed. It's true that I don't need other treatment, but what I did have to endure were not 'simple procedures'. Maybe I oversimplified them because of the horrid things some of my dear friends are going through themselves? I don't really know. I do know that in the past couple of years I have had to nurse an open incision for 6 months, go through too many tests to remember, have a breast removed, wait for multiple pathology and MRI results, have a section of tissue, skin and muscle transplanted to a totally different area of my body and pray that it doesn't lose blood supply and die, lose weight and build muscle so I can recover better after each surgery, and deal with the emotional roller coaster of it all...oh, and take care of a now 2 and four year old, and everything else that comes with it, including potty-training, sick kids, disciplining, teaching and just loving on them. Yet I have been feeling guilty that I am not doing enough, and that I am falling behind in what I am 'supposed' to be doing.
And then I felt the whisper and embrace of my heavenly Father saying "My Child, I am not asking you to do more."
I am trying too hard to be like Martha, when He is asking me to be like Mary:
Luke 10:38-42(NLT): 38 As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. 39 Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. 40 But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.” 41 But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! 42 There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”
I have been concentrating on the doing...but God just wants me to 'be'. Truth be told, I am not very good at 'not-doing'. But it is that very thing that is robbing me of precious times with my family, and taking time to just rest.
My list of things to do and accomplish was getting longer and longer...but was it really realistic for me to have a 'to-do' list? I am not supposed to be going full-speed right now. I am supposed to be recovering and renewing my strength. Resting in His strength and power, and being renewed by His Spirit. I am so used to doing things, that I'm sometimes not sure what to do when I am unable to. Not allowing myself rest has resulted in straining the relationship with my kids and husband, being exhausted and unmotivated. I've had a chance over the last while to really think about where my priorities are and should be...what's most important, and what God is calling me to do, now.
So for now, I am learning to be. Walking in the pace the Spirit is leading me in, not in the one I feel obligated to return to. What will that look like for me and my family? I'm not sure...but it will be in step with His plan for us. I will still care for my family and house, make my signs, and work in the ministry God has placed us in. But these unrealistic pressures and deadlines I have placed on myself...we have placed on ourselves as a family...the ones God is not asking us to do...those I am releasing to Him.
Doing the things of God and being a good steward of what He has given us should be a result of being in His presence...not a replacement for it. Sometimes we need to just be. And I have a feeling that I will be much more rejuvenated and refreshed because of it.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28
