It's a strange thing to have prior knowledge and be able to plan ahead for when you are going to lose part of your body. For those who don't follow me in Facebook Land, it's been confirmed in a second biopsy that I do indeed have DCIS, and I am tentatively scheduled for a skin-saving mastectomy on the left breast at the end of August, with reconstruction to happen sometime after. When they remove the tissue, and do a biopsy of the sentinel lymph nodes, they will have a clearer picture as to what we are dealing with - if it is contained, as all the biopsies are indicating, or if it is invasive. Most people who undergo amputations don't have a month to prepare, but with a pending mastectomy you do. It definitely is weird, and a little surreal. But, as a person who is a planner and who likes to know what will happen, it is a bit of a relief at this point.
It's true that I am a strong woman: strong-willed, sometimes strong-worded and definitely strong-opinionated (my husband can attest to all of these!) I definitely have had my break-down moments...and I know that I will have more. Surprisingly though, these aren't usually the 'I am dealing with cancer' times...they are instead the 'I have a baby and a toddler and I already don't get enough sleep, I may be moving in a month and renovating, I am on mat leave and trying to figure out if I am returning to work, I still need to lose 30 pounds, I don't want to stress my husband or kids out about all this....AND I will have to allow for surgery recovery' times. No doubt, it is a lot for my brain to handle...and when I have an overloaded brain, is a lot for my husband and kids to handle.
However, I am grateful for the joy I am experiencing through all this. Yep...joy. Did you know that you can have real joy in the midst of dealing with life and cancer? You can. It is not something that you willfully bring about on your own - Christ gives it to you. The Holy Spirit comforts you and gives you peace. The Father wraps His arms around you. Jesus brings people across your path whom you can bless, and who can be a blessing to you. These aren't pat answers I'm giving, but a reality that you experience when you have a growing relationship with Christ.
James 1:2-4
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy."
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."
Is this a little 'preachy' for some who may be reading this? Absolutely. I make no apologies. I am instead compelled to share. If you are going through trials of your own, and are not experiencing God's joy, I challenge you to go deeper in your relationship with Him - in your prayers, in your faith and in His Word. Don't embrace your struggle, but embrace Him in the midst of your struggle. I know in the coming days, this is what I will need to do.
So what are these joys and blessings I've been able to share with others? The fantastic medical doctors and nurses I've gotten to meet, with whom I'm able to talk to about God's calling on my life - we have shared stories of our lives and even a few laughs. The patients in the waiting room whose spirits were lifted by seeing my baby's beautiful smile and hearing her infectious laugh. The possibility of another home reno on the horizon - bringing beauty out of ashes.
The blessings that have brought me joy? The prayers, encouragement and support of friends and family. Seeing the joy in my kids faces when they spend time with Grammies and Papas, aunts, uncles and cousins. Friends who have gone through this - strong women - who are there for me.
Also, the caring medical staff who go out of their way to comfort me, and even to bless my children: for example, I will need to have a drain after surgery, and I was given a fabric bag to carry and hide it in. I mentioned that since it was pink with hearts that my daughter will most definitely want my 'purse'....so the nurse gave me a second flowery one just for Jaelyn. I am looking forward to giving it to her on the day of my surgery.
I am also able to experience the joy my kids give me. Just yesterday, after I was explaining to Jaelyn why mommy could not lift her (after I had my biopsy), she looked at me and said "it's ok Mommy...Jaelyn will help you". And the joy of my husband being there for me....for every single appointment, just to hold my hand, to be a shining example of having no fear or doubt in his faith, to pray with me, to watch movies with me, to sit and say nothing. I get to watch him with our girls, and witness him step in with the kids to do MY part, when I am unable - and see the joy in his and their eyes. Its true, sometimes the joy may seem hidden behind sleep-deprived, parents of a baby and toddler, and dealing with work and financial stress eyes...but the joy is there, and it is beautiful.
I get to experience these moments....these special moments...only because I am going through what I am. These are precious times that could easily be overlooked.
These are little things, but they give me great joy. Am I happy about upcoming surgery, pain and tests? Absolutely not. But I don't want to miss the joys around me because I am wrapped up on my own self-pity. I don't want to miss out on the abundant life that He has for me right now because I am waiting for this 'trial' to be over. I think It is impossible to really experience God's joy and peace, and also be paralyzed by fear at the same time. Sure, I have moments where my heart skips a beat, thinking about all the 'what ifs'...and then He brings me back to Him. He will never leave me or forsake me...He has promised that to me.
So here I am...getting ready for a life-defining moment, and not completely sure about the outcome. I know there is a long journey ahead of me and I have barely taken my first steps in it, and I know that I am among many who have walked down this road before me. I realize that I am not super-woman, or a super-saint, and as I plan for this surgery, I know I will grieve the loss of that part of me and the loss of hands on time with my kids and family among other things...but I also know that there is more joy to be had...joy that is just for me...and God will be with me every step of the way.
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